Monday, February 11, 2008
The Language of Banking
ASSISTANT
We foreclosed on the one you...
BANKER
That was one greatly overextended asshole.
ASST
He was upside down, owed 450 on house worth ‘bout half that in current market.
BANKER
Now WE got it. Some joy!
ASST
Not too many of ‘em. Lucked out compared to other banks.
BANKER
One’s too many.
ASST
Your...brother in law wants to take it off our hands for 175.
BANKER
Don’t let that thief get anywhere near me!
ASST
And our foreclosee desires to RENT the dump now.
BANKER
What’s market rent?
ASST
Was 1800. We’d be lucky to get 11 in this chaos.
BANKER
Tell him 2000.
ASST
Chief! That poor sonofabitch is wrung out!
BANKER
There are relatives. We still make a good deal of our money on those already smashed
into the mud, I’d like to remind you. There’s always more money–that’s the beauty part.
Uncle Charlie or Aunt Lil comes through after much debased begging.
ASST
Banking’s a meatgrinder.
BANKER
Finally! You get it!
ASST
And all those Norman Rockwell-ish commercials? Drop in and just chat!
BANKER
Have a chocolate chip cookie and you won’t notice anything getting rammed
up your ass?
ASST
I never hear such language at board meetings.
BANKER
They’re designed not to have language. You come into this office for that.
ASSISTANT
We foreclosed on the one you...
BANKER
That was one greatly overextended asshole.
ASST
He was upside down, owed 450 on house worth ‘bout half that in current market.
BANKER
Now WE got it. Some joy!
ASST
Not too many of ‘em. Lucked out compared to other banks.
BANKER
One’s too many.
ASST
Your...brother in law wants to take it off our hands for 175.
BANKER
Don’t let that thief get anywhere near me!
ASST
And our foreclosee desires to RENT the dump now.
BANKER
What’s market rent?
ASST
Was 1800. We’d be lucky to get 11 in this chaos.
BANKER
Tell him 2000.
ASST
Chief! That poor sonofabitch is wrung out!
BANKER
There are relatives. We still make a good deal of our money on those already smashed
into the mud, I’d like to remind you. There’s always more money–that’s the beauty part.
Uncle Charlie or Aunt Lil comes through after much debased begging.
ASST
Banking’s a meatgrinder.
BANKER
Finally! You get it!
ASST
And all those Norman Rockwell-ish commercials? Drop in and just chat!
BANKER
Have a chocolate chip cookie and you won’t notice anything getting rammed
up your ass?
ASST
I never hear such language at board meetings.
BANKER
They’re designed not to have language. You come into this office for that.
