Thursday, July 31, 2014
Trio At Lunch
-What’s the point of Science Fiction?
-To show that the people of the future are
just as venally stupid.
-But with more machines.
-Then, we’re there!
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Rear Guard Death
What's left of the old Republican?
Just a corroded money clip and a bitter laugh.
I can get DNA from the former, but is it
usual the laugh goes on after death?
The Jesus Freaks say it's start of Hereafter.
Not a welcoming one.
C’est la...every fuckin thing. Should stop
in the next hour.
Bring me a body next time.
We all have desires.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
...and unnecessarily vulgar
-Texas wants to be a separate nation!
-Will they have The Bomb?
-Then let's preemptively nuke 'em back
to their Scratch-ass Stink-finger Hog Age!
-What theyz in now? Fuckin Renaissance?
Monday, July 28, 2014
Skin In the Game
The Poor line up to give a dollar to the Rich,
and are roundly congratulated. Real affection!
(Coffee and Danish had been suggested, but give
‘em an inch...)
Banker C Hogart Marilsohn said to no one, after
staying for the whole event, “Well, not so bad!
A whitewall for the antique Bentley.”
Sunday, July 27, 2014
The Key to Language
My job took me out in brutal storms, days without rest,
and one 4-AM as the howling died, told the wife,
"I'm sleeping for a thousand years!"
Off by a factor of five. I woke up in this hostile place
What I gathered from my hospitality committee--I'm
being sarcastic--is that I was irredeemably dumb since
I could catch none of their language.
"Yeah, it's really simple, but weird, " Marky-O told me,
another time-traveler. "Just consists of three words and
two ending sounds for each.
Tookah, Wookah, Yookah. That's the whole barrel, but it
seems like a million intonation levels added to the endings."
“Why are they so mean to me?”
“Because you're Wookah-ooo. New one, no promise.”
“Wookah-eee. Never again to be spoken to.”
“But what can I...?”
“I'll help you. We'll work on it. Please, please, be my friend.
It's been a hundred years or so, since I... I came here in
Tookah-ooo 8ooo. I'm translating the number. They’re
expressed in Tookah, Wookah, Yookah combinations also.”
“Give you a headache!”
“Yes, but you must try. Treats are free every Yookah-ooo.
Twelfth day of the week. It’s garbage for us until we break
through...or you do.”
“I...got way way beyond exhaustion...and then I was here.”
“We'll fight them! It's our only hope!”
“But...if I do learn enough of the stupid language, they'll
make me shun you."
“That's okay. So long as you keep getting the treats to me.”
But, nine earth years later, they Tookah-ooo’d him.
And that's what you think it is.
I'm married to a real Tartar now. An extreme Tookah-eee!
I’ve learned all the ways to tell her I despise her, but that’s
expected here, and everybody laughs.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Preservation, and Possibility of Expulsion
The only strategy the small family could concoct to
slow Jeanine was...
Oh it made no difference! Again. She did what she
pleased, and had her two sisters in tears with her
The father babbled and the mother came down with a
gentler version of Tourette's.
It consisted of emitting “Jeanine!” at sporadic and unexpected
moments. The Beautification Committee had depended on her
leading a team for the Garden Day, but now found something
else: emailing prospects for self-tours.
“Too bad we couldn't trade her, but no other team would ever
agree to ruin their morale.” This from Ruthie.
Desperate times, desperate measures: They called in Uncle Rivers,
He listened and smiled. "Needs a boyfriend."
“Has a string!”
“That’s casual. We need deep.”
The discussion led to men who admired her.
“An assistant manager at Costco called her a force of nature!”
“He's the one, then.”
She had disputed a price and was ready to take on the whole staff!
Mother wished to go on with the anecdote, but Uncle Rivers said
they knew enough already.
“And sex...might help,” he maintained quietly.
“We'd rather not mix that in there!” Dad heard from.
“I feel sorry for that guy already. Give her that weapon and she
might destroy him.” Millsy punched her palm.
It was set. Ruthie would tell him to give her a call.
Ruark did, and the rest is history, mostly of a sexual complexion.
He would eventually have been fired for surliness, but left for
another city, where she joined him.
Their quarrels are already legendary in the new apartment complex.
They are locked together in miserable love.
Laughter frequently erupts at 26 Almond Place. The girls have new
boyfriends and they're such characters! Dad has nicknamed them
Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Mother whistles at her chores, and
wouldn’t mention Jeanine even if her mild disease compelled.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Finding the Right Size
When the Octonicks take over, I think their
insane restrictions will filter down slowly.
So I have to call in Bidge. In a former life, he
could have been a jockey. That tiny.
“The word we just got on you, unfortunately,
is that you take up too much space.”
“Me? I live in a studio apartment with
three other guys, bunks to the ceiling.
Fart and they'd murder me. We have a
minuscule, old-fashioned TV. None of this
Feel-a-Vision or whatever it's called.
I'm small, my life is small, I'm using almost
no resources! Just the threads I wear."
“Nice ones. But, I'm sorry. You can't go home
tonight. Rather to...Compression. I hear it's not
so bad there.”
“Have you seen the homeless at the railroad
station? They look like dirty breadboxes!”
“Can't do a thing,” I inform him.
About a month later, I hear a squeak and get
up to look at my chair.
But it comes from Bidge in the opposite one.
He looks like a cigar box someone has left.
"You've got to use me now or they crush
"But what can you do? You're too small to work
here anymore. Maybe a transfer? To play with
children or something?"
"I'll blow you!" he pipes.
"Too small even for that."
A great tragedy.
At any rate, he eventually wills me his clothes
and I sell them. Is that heartless?
Thursday, July 24, 2014
-We'll all be summoned. Treason.
-Nonsense! We've cooperated with
this new regime in every way possible!
-And haven't laughed.
-Besides, we just did what everybody...
-Best, anyway, to get lawyers.
-They've all been shot.
-That's in Shakespeare.
-Thank you, Jerome! You can always be relied
on for the trivial allusion!
-For how much longer?
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
A Primer of Legal Scholarship
-Poor John Q Schnook is finally getting health insurance, and
Republican judges are lopping parts off as “unconstitutional.”
-Where are they when bankers, brokers, hedge fund honchos,
and corporate CEOs, plus their boards, are screwing us blind?
Abuse of the law! All round!
-More of your understatement. Is it the crookedness, subterfuge,
bribery, or robbery gets you down?
-It's the masquerade!
-Then the laws should be written more explicitly. Let me try.
“The purpose of this measure is to enable bankers, brokers,
hedge fund honchos, and corporate CEOs, plus their boards,
to screw everybody else blind.”
-That's a start.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Risks of Modern Life
“Usually get sold in pairs. Up to you. Fine then! The deuce
will do it! Your profile shows Mazda SUV. Better yet! Calders
will carry them out, and get them in that locked compartment
back there. Overcautious? Why look for trouble?”
But Flip forgot to tell Glad when they exchanged cars, and
he took the Altima for state inspection to Hoppy's Garage.
Back from the appointment only to find squad cars and a Hazmat
Team, plus five officers carrying automatic rifles. And Glad inside
the house shrieking “Green Ooze! I can’t get the stink off!”
The Captain pulls up, siren and multitudinous blinking lights,
white, blue, red. Siren spinning down to a ticking. Lights dim.
His red face seems to pulse then.
"Isn't all of this overkill?" Flip shouts, waving both arms.
"Not in our experience."
Monday, July 21, 2014
When Heaven Went Quiet
Not a one!
But...God was finally sick
of the vile and vicious
spouters. Too, he gave
no break to those who
talked a good game
but were really base.
Oh how others as depraved
pretended otherwise! (Hey,
after all, if hypocrisy weighed,
there'd be next to no one here:
It’s The Golden Mean.) So, at
any rate, we've spoken
to God. Not decorous
to only have Democrats.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Approaching the Dating Scene
The clever people in Marcum's skull suddenly fled.
The last to leave being the fellow who asked Gwen,
"What time is it getting to be? My biological clock
has gone haywire!"
When he asked her out then, she went ice.
And such a warm creature!
But later, further ascertaining his new dopeyness, she accepted.
In fact, his dating calendar became full.
"It's true!" he informed Berkie, his close friend, "Inarticulate is the
new Flavor of the Month!"
"Have the girls gotten equally as stupid?"
"Nah, they're the same. Smart as hell! And Jean-Ann cuts the legs
out from under you with her wit!"
"You're a fad. Everybody'll get sick of you in no time.”
“You're hitting my fear!”
“It's no doubt. Then where'll you be?"
“Wherever they want! I'll adapt. “
"There's the conundrum! Is it easier to become somebody else if
you're dumb? Or if you're clever?"
“I don't know but I'll...!”
“What we were saying.”
“I don't think so!”
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Discussion of Depths of Sex in Dishwasher Grasp
-Just let me load the dishwasher. Then we can talk.
-No ironing panties tonight?
-Stop! Macho Man for Macho Machine!
-Whatever. Living with women a conundrum intractable!
-Now listen! Laurie starts rehearsing. You’ll see what I meant.
-"I wanna big cock!"
-Close your door! We can’t hear ourselves think down here!
-I couldn’t have heard that. Laurie! The little girl on the bicycle,
so fresh and alive!
-From Eekee-Ookee Island Mythology. A goddess wants
the Overall God-Honcho to turn her into a male god.
-In Laurie's kinda words at THAT time?
-Nah, Eekee Ookees are softly gentle. Was in the
super-polite language of the pantheon there.
Laurie and the other young women want edge and
bite in their play! So, the change.
-They'll get hell from the school board!
-Those Neanderthals For Christ will be aghast and
sermonizing, but quickly turn to football.
-Does her role consist of the one vulgarity only?
-She's just getting started. And Shop working on a balsa
-Shop? In a progressive school?
-They really should use the variety called Two-Balsa.
-Sixth grade joke!
-I never got out in my smarmy mind! Anyway, what does
your Bridget think?
-Stay outa it then. Women thing. Whatchallit?–-Feminism Shit.
-The world's abandoning me at this fuckin dishwasher! My voice
will turn into its gurgles!
-Ah...the girl on the bicycle!
-Crisscrossing my mind in love forever!
-You'll hafta leave room in there for a zealot with a balsa dick.
-This too shall pass...Bible say that?
Friday, July 18, 2014
Granada, or Only Asbury Park?
“What’s so bad about Asbury Park? Look around!”
“Well, it ain’t Granada. That’s the point of the song.”
“Fuck Granada! You got your Mitzi and the kids
screaming in the water. My Nell strumming
Soft Rock. THIS is my heaven on earth!...and
with my chicken, you’ll get the final dose.”
“You got a point. From the smell I’m ready to
eat it, foil and all!”
“Like, so much better than some Spanish bean thing
make you fart all night.”
“You know some Spanish chords, Nell?”
“Nah, just these.”
“She’s a Rock Princess!”
Thursday, July 17, 2014
In Life & Song
Email from Rick (Red) Dreshler
Thanx for sending along MY DAD'S A RIGHT-
WING IDIOT AND WE'RE NOT EVEN RICH.
But we handle only full songs here, not
just lyrics. And they have gone through
several layers of development before they
reach my desk.
I will, though, forward it to Sned Uccles. He has
done music for novelty numbers. You may
remember STICKY ICKY FROM SELWICKY?
ps If he takes it on, might require some seed
money from you--he's on Social Security.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Present Economic History of The United States
Marie became a Barista!
She phoned home right away. Her father answered.
“I’m always proud, but this time prouder!" He cried.
When she got home, the party was already swinging, Aunt Dot,
who had gotten the express bus, atop the antique console TV,
lifting her skirt for a tarantella. Her panties sported Disney characters.
Her father continued to cry. Her mother never, but smiled more
than thinly for once.
“Barista” filtered through the apartments, and even outside. Marie took a break to get the mail, and old Mr Tompkinson felt her up.
Mailman Jicky dug an elbow into his back, and his nose crashed into his exact mailbox, springing it.
“Coincidence,” Jicky laughed, revealing a missing front tooth.
The old man cried that he was only teasing, but was ignored.
“What's it with the mouth?”
“Hey! Why should a Barista worry? Anyway, your government has
taken most of my benefits away.”
“Baristas get Dental!
“So maybe you'll help me become one of you then? I'm getting
bought out, but so far they only offer McDonalds coupons.”
“It's funny...I got good news and nobody else has.”
“I'm dropping by for a belt!”
“More the merrier!”
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Being Short With People
“You’re so nervous I can’t stand it!”
Rose to Mick, not the opposite the culture
She married calm Nocky, and they died
in a blistering suburb of Phoenix.
But it was a dry death.
And merely figurative, for the nonce.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Just Like That
-I’m outa gas with all my stupid lines, and fixated on Delly.
-Delly! That Strawberry Blonde? No dirty male sock has hit
the floor of her apartment in many a year.
-Has she swung the other way?
-She swings no ways. Done. Finito! Case closed, as we say
in the trade.
-It’ll take the cleverness that has fled me.
-The bullshit you mean.
-If you will. I’m done, you’re right.
-How about your self? Not much of a commodity but what you have.
-She’s a beauty. She’ll laugh.
-Laughing is halfway there. Seriously, how about a direct approach
where you tell the truth? “Just the facts, Ma’am.”
-How...can you recognize...?
-Trust yourself! You’ll be giving evidence as to your physical and
-I hardly think much of the person you’re referencing!
-Humility. She’ll eat that up! Go under her window like Romeo.
-So, get under her window and...?
-Not much of that in my family.
-How about moaning?
-I can do moan.
-And when she opens the window...!
-Throws open the sash, in poetry.
-Very well! Tell her it’s urgent that you speak to her!
-What if she says no?
-That’s when you must sustain.
-Say anything! Keep the babble up to wear her down.
-What if I wear down?
-You can’t! Hafta get up to that apartment!
-For the male sex?
-Screw the rest, for yourself!
-Okay I’m up there. What...?
-Tell her you can’t live without her!
-The truth again? That’s tough for somebody who...
-Forget all that. A New Dawn!
-But...you’re...half kidding, yes?
-Just half. It’s the cop in me. Lotzaluck!
-I just might fool you.
He had been watching before clerks opened the stores
on Church Street. Chief thought a rash of vandalism
could spread there from the surrounding neighborhoods.
His friend flew by in his red Mitsu convertible, scarves
flinging back from a strawberry blond.
The Lieutenant’s champagne-fueled Wedding Speech has so
many cynical asides from a bed of mush, his wife gestures
for him to sit down.
That, the second shot; the first being his friend succeeding.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Report of Feuding Couple
-Do not let the sun set upon your wrath!
-Oh yeah, well when we both get home from work,
it'll all fly again! And I'll make my points!
-No you won't. You'll just repeat them.
-Whatever. My Wrath's a mighty bastard! And he
has saved up!
-Huh! She's a Fury to stand up to God himself!
-You make it sound like fun.
-It is if she really gets hurt–not Academy Award, but the
real thing. Defeated tears. Bitter, defeated tears.
-I suppose, but it's like a machine can't be stopped.
-Try a little maturity.
-Never again. That just makes you into an asshole like
all the rest.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
“The essential can be detrimental.”
-Oh boy, number 67 of Hobart Grimshaw’s
Bromides. Listen and learn to live!
-I don’t deny that I’ve culled proverbs etc
from books, from friends, the Net, Bible.
-Guides life! What do you do?
-Just a good heart, that’s all. What’s that part
of Bible? Don’t worry about what to say, I’ll
help you when the time comes!
-I like your simple rephrasing, Lil. The hens in the
barnyard would stop pecking to listen.
-Uh huh? Well they wouldn’t listen to your
Jiffy Guide to Silly-ass Living.
-O ye of little faith!
-I’m still getting it, staying on the wavelength!
-Hey if the speaker for United Nations suddenly died and they tabbed you to go on, you’d be a chattering wreck!
-And you’d stride in bold as brass.
-Bet your ass! I’d just open my mouth.
-And knock the international scene back fifty years!
-Thrust it forward through real faith, not ticky-tacky.
-Well, harmless as these daydreams are, Dear, I gotta go back to what they pay me for. Anyway, enjoy your belfry!
Friday, July 11, 2014
Truth and Avoiding Consequence
-Computer hiccuped, and last eighth of
refunds went out with an extra ten bucks.
-What y'wanna do?
-Let it go. Cost us more to get it back.
-Reluctant okay...but I don't wanna be
exposed to some yapping Congressional
Committee if it gets leaked. Never again
hanging there with my limp dick out!
-Did you get emails from Republicans
offering to firm it up?
-Hey! Them in the closet, out of the closet?--
couldn't give less of a shit! So long as I
make it to retirement without being a joke
on late-night TV!
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Question Mid Clatter
-What is it with these fractious fuckin Republicans?
-They don’t believe in government, so when they get
in they do nothing. But they know that looks bad, thus
investigate everybody and his brother.
-MY brother, they got a case. But...just making noise?
-Loud and slapdash clowns! They severely lack an
Emmett Kelly, the SILENT one. And that’s just the
-Do go on. NOT! Too vomit-inducing.
-What’s that Chinese curse? May you live in interesting
-But we don’t. BORRRRRR-ing!
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
He fell down. Many times a day.
Millie, the breakfast cook at the Starlight, wanted to
start a pool.
“When he turns the corner at Brently to the point where
he passes our exquisite diner? I’ve seen as many
as eight. So, if we can get eight people to throw in...?”
Lydia, the young waitress, thought that was mean.
The next time he fell outside the diner, she went
to help, coaxing him back in to the corner stool.
He ordered ham and eggs, finally declaring that he
homefries were the best he’d ever eaten.
On Millie’s good side forever after that.
He became her Jelly, and the stool his. His name had
proven to be Jellsome Wandersea. “Name like that’d
make you tumble all by itself,” opined Dishwasher Jerry.
He’d have gone on, but Millie barked to clear the pans
out around her. “I’ve got five omlettes working and
up to my elbows in dirty pans while you talk!”
Now that he had a family, Jelly fell less often.
One day, Patrice, retired on the 401K of a Princess from
Walmart, fell in front of Jelly.
He scooped her frailness up and into a booth. Where he
joined her...for a year.
Soon after, Cashier Mike asked Mr and Mrs Jellsome Wandersea
how everything was. “If anything, the homefries are even
more heavenly!” Jelly shouted, and Millie waved from her
cloud in the kitchen.
Mike never mentioned heretofore since he was born
fading into the background.
The couple went outside and fell.
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
Women and Politics
Bus to Merritt Island
-If Hillary runs, will Repubs come up with
-They're not comfortable with women.
-With Republican Women they are.
Monday, July 07, 2014
-Big Maha gonna govern by Executive Order then?
-They never leave without an egregious power grab.
-Fucking the Constitution thereby!
-Instead of waiting their turn.
Sunday, July 06, 2014
Bert liked to inform the salesmen personally
of their raises and bonuses. Thus he took
Sammy out to an elaborate champagne
lunch at Mario’s.
“I’m rounding out twenty years, and you’re
the best I’ve ever seen!” he toasted him.
“Meek Mockum!” replied this Ace.
Bert changed the subject to baseball, and things
flowed from there. Sammy having sharp opinions
re the underperforming Yankees.
Anyway...was Bert’s first exposure to Sammy’s
Tourette’s. Pretty much nothing. He wondered
what the clients saw, but who cares if somebody
could sell like that? And, no tics yet.
His cellphone vibrated, and when he glimpsed the screen,
he told Sammy, “Gotta take this. A few seconds.”
Was Honey, as could be discerned by “Honey...
please Honey...Honey! Paris!”
Before he could flip the phone closed, her hissed
conclusion carried: “Take the tickets and stick em
up your ass!”
Bert then spouted “Meek Mockum!” Four times.
Mario’s brother, their waiter, sped over. Then, he repeated
Bert. Sammy repeated him, and Bert, and himself.
At the next table, a woman fell to the floor, foaming it from
the mouth, blurrily, it sounding more like “Moo-oo-hoo!’
Her husband sang "In fair London City,
where girls have big titties...”
When the ambulance came, the attendants, under
the principle of removing the least affected,
piled this singer into the back.
“I blame it on the TV,” Attendant A remarked when underway.
“How about video games?”
“I don’t get that.”
“Nor anything else. Look! Time nailed it: The Empathetic Society.
It’ll kill us!”
Saturday, July 05, 2014
-What do the American Indians say? To get to know a man,
walk a mile in his moccasins.
-I've got loafers, will they do?
-At...any rate, we want to keep the experiment in the office.
You're to choose one person, and we'll implant a tiny chip
representing their inner self. So, you think his or her thoughts
for twenty four hours. Then, come back for a few questions.
-Can't wait! Actually can. To spend the thousand dollar Sears
card for my participation.
-Even in the present inflation, should buy a few shirts.
-Well, be all that where it may, have you chosen?
-I wanted to avoid the drama queens of both sexes, too many
portfolios of pretended hurt.
-So, I pick Reppy. Benign and balanced.
-He's our acknowledged sweetheart!
-Could make me a better person! Nah! No need.
-Enough is enough! Reppy has a vast interior life. In a sort
of tangled, horrible jungle! Ugh!
-You never know.
-Get the chip out! I'm still shaking!
-The Twenty Second Century: Slick and fast.
-You got it! And you should get out more. Then the Reppys
of the world wouldn't shock you so.
-This experience makes me even more of an isolator.
-England expects every man and women to do his or her duty!
-First, to the language.
Friday, July 04, 2014
-When I came aboard as the token “NEE-gro,” they had low expectations.
-What did you do?
-Embarking on the longggg slide to retirement?
-Yeah, but a funny thing happened. The new black guys:
hip and quick.
-Inciting high expectations?
-Mais oui! And my shtick done stuck!
-Did they offer to buy you out?
-No need. Ran so fast I passed the dudes!
-So they actually helped you? The youngsters did?
-Yes and no.
Thursday, July 03, 2014
Must Be the Place Café and Bar
“Why is it when we talk about sex here, we
end up sounding like total fuckin idiots?”
Ridge had just come in for a quick lunch,
on his way to inspect a house.
“Don‘t sweat it. The Supreme Court too. Everybody!”
Wednesday, July 02, 2014
Two Atrocious Automotives
-GM has recalled so many millions
of cars, not enough time in the
day for Service Managers to...!
-They just wave their magic wand.
-Don't they hafta show you the murderous
part they took out?
-There's a generic pile. Aged and honored.
-Hell, they could show me a hunk from a
Chrysler and I wouldn't know!
-John Doe for American Capitalists.
Willing and brainless.
-Now wait a minute!
-It's okay. I am too. Just smile and you'll keep
-What for? I'm not using it.
-Always hope. If some car company doesn't
-It takes guts to drive.
-You're our hero!
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Forgiveness For Common Sins
The Japanese Do Corporate
Apology. Tears in shrink-
Our CEO tosses it off,
face on Empty. Acting
coach inquired of,
but needs a center
to resonate with:
Board had picked chief
since he possessed none.
Each member serves on
various boards hiring newer
moralists. Multiplier effect,