Friday, February 28, 2014
Friends at Life and Football
-Twenty birds outside my window on a wire. One turns around
to face the other way.
-What did it get you?
-So? Why persist?
-Endless loop. If I blow the circuit, I destroy the entire world!
-What a responsibility!
-Thus, I’m odd bird for everybody.
-I’ll never again accuse you of being a selfish, egotistical,
totally scattered son of a bitch!
-Amen amen I say to you that if a man repenteth of judging
-Then both will pig out on beer and pizza. Kickoff at Eight!
-...and farteth! there will be Giants in the earth at this time!
-And playing the Eagles! And, I definitely wouldn’t leave
the artisan farting out.
-True...but we’ve lost women thereby.
-One thing and another.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
(If Such a Thing Can Exist)
-I used to be a Republican. The Party of
-Now it's an oozing accretion of righteous
-This too shall pass.
-Yeah, like shit!
-And don’t you feel terrifically better after?
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Dealing, In the Final Analysis
The Leaving of It
-It's done with dignity. The law doesn't require it, though.
We have a little party, with speeches from the close relatives.
Who shortly leave.
-And then, Honorees shot?
-Exactly. Hey, eighty-five is enough years! We're saving billions!
It was cut the Military or...this.
-Surprised the near and dear go along with it.
-They can claim them as dependents for six years more.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Englands Expect Every Man To Do His Duty
“Fighting the Last War”
Following that logic,
To the beginning,
It's the same war.
So? We’re similarly
An art, really.
Though the “women”
In falling apart.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Symptoms Most Profuse
Cures and Busy Aftermaths
He had physical every-
thing wrong, true, and
strongly bi-polar to boot.
So Mary Jane came along
and soothed, and soothed
it all. He’s a newly articulate fan
for legalization, and haughtily mad
for it. “Everything new is old again!” bays
Becca, his unsteady steady, exhausted.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Bubbles and Martyrs
Stages of Piquant
Jen was piquant when they married.
But his last daydream image of her showed
a crown of thorns.
Before the stone fell from the Oxley Building.
She keeps the Channel Six report on her iPad.
Yellow tape and numerous officers.
In Dr Kildad Morrisey's course The New You!
she’s becoming piquant again.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Glenda and I
played together as tykes. I don’t know if it was because our
parents ignored us, but we learned to practice little cruelties.
We were acting–-that was understood–-but tears produced
at times, nonetheless.
Her family moved to a better neighborhood, ending our small
drama, and presently both of us are married to indifferent
I to Marcia, she Budge.
Once, I met her at Motor Vehicles would you believe?
Getting our pictures snapped at neighboring cameras.
Joked, over coffee, about my Marcia and her Budge as a couple.
When you share a childhood, you can talk about anything.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Lecture: “The Beautiful Structure of Capitalism”
-Thank you! I fill you are seeing with the notes.
(Holding up legal pad mid laughter). Very complicated!
But it's all the time: how you do something here, and
how you do something other place.
Excuse, your Honor, but my country new for Capitalism
System. We want how fuck EVERYBODY!
-Is...how you say? Art?
Thursday, February 20, 2014
One half the world laughs at the other half
-How do we get with the laughers?
-Too steep a price.
-Wherefore is the modern Chinese in this matter?
-Too busy manufacturing.
-Yeah for coolie wages, so nothing changes.
-Don't go too Lefty on me! You'll ruin everything. I just got
two nice speakers.
-(sings) O sneakers and speakers and you-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo.
-Go permanently to the laughed-at half!
-I'll just laugh back. That's what you're missing in all of this:
full reciprocal thrust of the proverb.
-Who cares? They're inscrutable anyway.
-How're the speakers?
-Only the music.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Move Over, John Deere
-Farm Bill weighs as much as Des Moines.
Can't justify printing it, so it's ebook.
-I know one big farmer reading it while
cranking up the a/c in his tractor cab.
-Mozart still piped in?
-Culture on the plain, not Hee Haw.
-What's on other screens?
-Corn and wheat futures. Real Estate in
Zurich and Tokyo. Derivatives in London.
-Yup, farmin' sure hard-scrabblin'!
-That never changes.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Translated by Wyatt Saboy from the Yiddish edition of "Slapsie" Maxie Furman
● HER threatened art
● HER loves
● HER fight against forces of automation
And, in expanded material for this ebook only!
● HER skirmishes with Yul Brynner’s hair stylist!
Add to Your Cart to see price
Monday, February 17, 2014
Intellectual Shadings of Less and Less
At The Lone Star Watching the News
-Blacks too fresh, he fires into car, kills a kid.
-(exiting) If I had my way, I’d shoot every one!
-What a Neanderthal!
-Him? He’s our Liberal.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Washing an Umbrella
Iris the waitress could tell. "Good news, huh?"
Jepps acknowledged same, but begged off telling it.
He had forgotten.
Back to the messy efficiency to recheck the mail, from
whence it may have come. Bills.
Then the email, Yahoo and Google. No soap.
The one he seldom used with the Cable Company
refused to let him on. When he asked to change his
password, they informed him he needed to type the
twenty-eight digit number on the modem first.
Modern humor completely, since it consisted only
of twenty-eight digit numbers. A wraparound pop art
phase for commerce.
Jepps started losing his glow. It WAS good news,
though. He did remember that.
The next morning, Horge sat with him in the booth, due
to a trucker enveloping his usual end of counter seat.
“Then, you lost your good news?”
Iris came with their orders, laughing and happy.
“She got it. Iris. You left it laying around and she
“Nonsense! It's exclusive to me...whatever it is.”
“Uh uh! Women convert things as part of their usual
expropriating process. Believe me. I've been married
“I'll beg it back from her.”
“No way! They don’t give up things. But don't look so
discouraged...it's mostly this filthy weather anyway.
My umbrella smells like shit.”
“Then you should wash it.”
“You don't wash an umbrella! Shows your disordered thinking.”
Saturday, February 15, 2014
-What does that old song say about being a true romancer?
-No, never accuse you there. Anyway, only two subclasses
in that category: Liars and Prevaricators.
-I assume the latter are fancier liars?
-The Greatest Pretenders! Just let's us stay with your way.
-Hey! I found an honest man. And without having to
employ a lantern.
Friday, February 14, 2014
The Sound of One Hand Washing the Other
The Senator and His Friend
S Well, it stinks!
F Money does. So, anyway, you don't wanna be
S I don't want my NAME associated with.
Not the same thing.
F We'll call you David Blaine.
S Good! Like the magician.
F What will you make disappear?
S All decency.
F Hyperbole! Didn't your consultants tell
you to tone down the act?
S That's right.
F Or not Right enough?
S It any moreso, my White Charger woulda broken
F We can't have that! So few represent virtue
Thursday, February 13, 2014
To Have and Have Not
“The ups will not cease,
however the Rave Society.”
“That’s what we is?”
“No one has a chance still,
but he or she can behave.”
“Truth first, then pronouncement.
It’s the tried Conservative Way.”
“Amen amen I say to you...”
“What you have always. Hate Radio
invented by the Pharaohs.”
“Let your people go?
I don’t think so.”
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Controlling the Future
Planning For Individuals and Couples
-So I'm to have control of nothing, is it?
-Your little habit of exaggerating.
-Well that's what it sounds like.
-Pretty much your life is put on a grid, and we take it
-All my romances and disappointments...and even
-That last is something we can get a grip on.
Everything with the doctor, dentist etc is handled
by us. A hover scooter will show up at your door
and you'll go.
-The horse knows the way?
-Why bring horses into it?–your profile, though, points
to bizarre comparisons.
-Got me to a T. So I'm not to know when I'm going to Doc.
It shows up and...
-What if I'm dirty from the garden?
-Totally unnecessary labor, but allowed. But, let's not be
silly. The scooter will program itself to go elsewhere to
fetch somebody else, and another one come when you've
-I'm never to make, and hafta remember, another
-Most love that we take care of it!
-How about the romance department? Do you
take care of that too?
-Most emphatically! You're to...according to my tablet...
take a walk through The Botanical Gardens with Stella.
Then tea in the Indonesian House there.
-Stella huh? Do I get anything on her beforehand,
-Not a thing, but, believe me! you've lucked
out with her. Her point total is astronomical.
-How about mine?
-Not bad. Little quiddities detract somewhat.
-Which will eventually discourage her? Then the
fresh start after licking the wounds. Know that
-Your pessimism is one of the quiddities. You marry
her, according to the grid.
-Won’t I have a choice in...?
-You shouldn't bother. It's all optimized for you.
Couldn’t possibly be better!
-So a guy from the government saying they got my
interests at heart. Uh huh?
-Old-fashioned phrasing, but the gist.
-And my golf?
-We’ve decided you’re to play twice a week. Once
is proving inadequate for any acceptable performance.
-I’m not against it, but one wears special clothing, and
brings along clubs.
-You can dress in the enclosed scooter, and a robot will
be waiting for it with your clubs. Accompany you as caddy.
-That should make for some elevated conversation.
-You’d be surprised.
-So, in this new life you do what you're told, thus hafta to
think just about zero?
-Delightfully so, but folks still find some elbow room–-
though I shouldn’t tell you.
-Such as my programing the hoverscooter to go to some
secret place for ole Stell and me?
-You're already thinking! Believe it or not, the leaders
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
-Feds raided the whole place...boxes full of shit.
“Hey!” we told em, “we read from a script. Just do what
we're told! I mean if product is cock lengthener,
set of jars--whatever.”
-Did they accept that?
-Yes and no. Suspicious looks. So we got attorney.
-No such animal.
-Made it up for occasion.
-How you gonna pay him? Everybody lives from
paycheck to paycheck.
-Don’t worry about it.
-Oh oh! Good thing that look doesn’t come through over
the phone. You're gonna screw him too?
-Our stock in trade.
-Maybe it’s his too. Better watch it!
-When don't we?
Monday, February 10, 2014
A new man
appeared at breakfast among the regulars of his
boarding house. Dressed in a garish military
uniform like a performer in a cheap operetta.
When he saw him, too, at his workplace, Oswood wondered.
Soon, a dozen more appeared there, just as absurd.
All employees directed to the auditorium. Newly-installed
Doctor Director General Hopswell, outfitted even
more bizarrely, told the regulars that they had surpassed
all goals: fewest complaints directed at any bureau.
"But, one cannot stand still in a moving stream!"
His epaulettes shook. All the epaulettes shook, so
perhaps it was a signal from him.
Oswood saw a lot of that in the next six months as
THE DOZEN was implemented. Twelve regulations
counterindicative of any decent work outcome.
Half the department took early retirement.
He stuck it out, knowing the uniforms would
Indeed, the one at his boarding house announced the
program's final success at a patriotic celebration forced
on everyone there. Many tiny flags and songs of
He sold his uniform to Oswood, the Twelfth Regulation
proscribing it for everyone remaining.
It actually became a good workplace again, another
department assuming its former duties.
The original employees, those left,traveled the entire
country for war reenactments.
Oswood wounded! Not really, but he always had to wear
bandages, both in rehearsals in the capital and performances
on the road.
When the new party came in years later, most thought the
performers would be dispersed to other departments, but
the uniform was merely redesigned by Casper of Monsieur
Andre’s. It featured breast pockets for silk handkerchiefs.
And in other ways as tasteful, though still military.
Sunday, February 09, 2014
The Future of Comedy
and of Transplants
-Go ahead and get a head transplant if you want.
About foolproof, and you'll be handsome for the first
time in your life!
-Consumer Reports recommends Ajax.
-Do they mention teeth? Some outfits are putting in crap teeth
since competition heated up.
-Nothing about teeth. By the way, what’s Ajax god of?
-That's wrong image.
-Well don't! Whole process has me totally nervous!
Saturday, February 08, 2014
Switches, Petty and Profound
The magnetic fields had switched again, and when Mix called
Cliff to tell him he'd be late, his odd boss had answered
the phone “Saludos, Amigos!”
A Skip-Puddle was in the garage instead of his Largesse,
but that would probably be temporary.
When he got home that late evening, Carol had been replaced
by a Janine.
"We don't really know how long this is for, so let's get to bed
and get used to each other," she maintained--had proved
a great fit for all of Carol's clothes before he arrived.
Carol texted him in the little car the next morning. "w/roger
3x man. nvr cmg bk!"
When he got to the plant, it was padlocked.
MOVED TO ULTRA MEXICANO said the sign. "No one allowed in," the guard told him." Mix said just as well: only had some junk and his departed wife's picture. “Not another one gone for good? Alls I get is new ones all the time. No luck. Most of the websites say it's your fault: you're spose to bring flowers and candy even if you don't know who the hell they are!”
He concluded that “All the men anyways is women nowadays.
We should screw ourselfs!"
The tiny car had fortunately morphed into a new Largesse Max2,
and Mix whistled all the way home. Old tunes from the early 3000s.
He hadn't whistled in years, but the all-receiver announced the
magnetic shifts over, and Janine was awesomely sexy. She kept texting him twisted stick figures, which blinked red in the
Friday, February 07, 2014
The Justice Tree
Laurene wanted to renegotiate the Pre-Nup during the
Pre-Split, but finally agreed to enough to buy a third of a losing
spread off the grid in North Dakota. Her ancient parents supplying
“Sorry to miss the goldmine of your fabulous lawsuit settlement
when it finally finally comes!” she laughed at Mox.
It did, and the financial press, called it huge. Proverb, his accountant, spat however: “Justice delayed is Justice denied.”
“Uh huh?” Mox was ecstatic: “But Justice! At long last!”
His feelings couldn't be dampened by Proverb's claim that
"These new fees from The El Cheato Law Firm, might just push
the whole business into the debit column.”
The actual firm of Mangrove, Headings, Dorst, Onofrio and
Rasmussin held a party. They emailed Mox a picture of the cake,
he being in hospital overnight due to a prescription painkiller
Another of Proverb's sayings had gotten to Rasmussin
so many years ago: “A lawsuit is a tree that grows in
a lawyer's garden.”
So he had his gardener plant a sycamore, which initially flourished.
Mox erased his link to the webcam recently, since it had gotten
very mottled, droopy, its leaves grayish, and looked ready to die.
In his mind, however, staying forever green! The Justice Tree!
Thursday, February 06, 2014
Weighing the Crazies
Thrashing it Out
-Let’s hit them on unemployment. They got a hundred
pie-in-the-sky plans and they’ve all come to shit!
-That’s a perpetual mess. Probably smarter in the long run
to let the market decide, but patience not a political winner.
-Women too! The other side pretends all touchy-feely sensitivity, but...
-The girls are killing us! And before you say Hispanics...!
-Let’s call them Spicks. Has to be some fun in here somewhere!
-They’ve drained the fun! The country has.
-Well, we still have our clarity!
-Once. We’re faking that too now.
-Anyway, the good thing is that our fractious Crazies are injecting
-Okay, they’re changing the rules of the asylum.
-Ah yes, but still no doubt who runs it. Me and Thou.
-White. Old. Tired.
-But the Force remaining with us!
-Did you say farce?
-Indispensable also. Don’t they say that tragedy ultimately
gets repeated as farce? Where are we now?
-In the delightful middle of a blood sport, and we love it!
-The victims don’t.
-Some show depth and some, burlesque.
-Speaking of which, we’re like the baggy pants comedian with
the erection device. He springs it when Madame La Wronga
-Shush! Or they’ll ruin that too!
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
Future Tense Redux
"Let's See What Happens Hence"
Oh? Have You Imposed a Soft
Solution? Or Will a Random Craz-
iness assemble itself?
So? We Never Know. Waiting,
The Proverb Avers, Is a form
Of Courage. It Can bring
Or Road Rage.
Tuesday, February 04, 2014
Beacons of Political Humor
“Conservatives Are Always Congratulating Themselves
on their wit! Relishing delicious ironies as the abject
Lefties scatter about trying to funerally describe an
asinine reality. Yes! Gleeful Righties keep uncovering
fatter and fatter targets!”
“Well...absent flies to pull wings off.”
Monday, February 03, 2014
The Place of Hispanics
in The Happy Shop
-I wanna hire him. Lotza promise!
-But that accent! I mean we got clients who’d say “Don’t
have that spick call me again!”
-Accent will fade. I really think we have future CEO material
with him. Get by the accent, and he’s the most impressive
candidate we’ve had in a good while.
-Please let It go! Practically the whole interviewing committee
got up and did a kind of flamenco when he left! Even Laurette
clenched a pencil with a plastic daisy on the end between
her teeth, and stomped about like a fiery, fallen woman!
And with Jiggers and Itsy fashioning castanets of sorts from
staplers. Hilarious with those fatsos! Itsy has to be restrained
from taking off his shirt! Well, effort not quite successful.
He unbuttons it, and a cascade of pink bellies! I’m crying by then!
So, you can see, be too embarrassing if this José Gonzalez
comes on board!
-That’s not his name.
Sunday, February 02, 2014
Language and Wealth
If you had that nose full of nickels you'd be rich!
How dated is that? We'll let insulting go by the boards--
has to do with upbringing. But...why not dimes? I'd be richer.
But lose the language!
Ah hah, the alliteration--again. Is language all then?
Makes a lot more bearable.
Not to the aggrieved: My Nose!
Saturday, February 01, 2014
As Childhoods Lengthen
“One thing we will never miss is a college
graduation or a wedding.”
Rudd didn't respond at first. He still smarted
from her goose-step with horizontal finger under
All to demonstrate what she took for his Hitlerian
sentiments. Well, he WAS our Righty. The Rolling
Righty!” she proclaimed several times.
I got into her line of sight as a Lefty. She'd ask,
“How many did you kill today, Uncle Joe?”
Then a Cossack dance, faster than possible.
Ever since childhood, she had entertained us, starting
with puppet shows.
Of course, as we got older she showed more edge.
When we left for college, Rudd was too sick.
"Well, Rudd, then the three of us must talk."
She went on. "You're gonna die, no reason to think
otherwise, Honey. On the exit ramp. We love you and
all of that, so let's get that out of the way. But when
you're invited to our graduation or my wedding,
you must RSVP.”
“There should be a code. It's nobody else's business!”
So we decided on 19. Meaning very very sick
and can't make it. Or 7: I'll be there by hook
Two sevens for graduation. He’s more wasted in
the wheelchair but getting by. Almost could slide
between the cushion and the steel.
Like a playing card.
When she got the 19 at her wedding, she showed it
to me during the reception. "He dead by now.
He's simply dead." She had been a red-eyed bride,
and I wondering why.