Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Dream remnants beset Carlsen, each day
Until he couldn’t tell the difference, and life
and work became the dream also.
His boss told him not to worry. “You’re just
late to discover what we’ve all known.”
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
-Jilly learned it in school. International Week. Anyway, dog bites
wife’s nose, and husband feeds it cookies after! It’s a Flamingo song.
-Whatever. Gotta hand it to those Spaniels!
-What I say?
-Well, you know what I meant.
-What...if I didn’t talk a whole day? Would you read my thoughts?
-Easy as pie.
-Pie! Mmmm! What’s it with French Apple? I don’t see it anymore.
Apples, raisins, and thick topping of vanilla icing. Jesus!
-Too too much even before that last!
-Yeah, what do they call that? I mean, when something is added
and it’s, like, awful awful extra.
-Grilling the lilly.
-Stop it! Can’t be that! What a stink!
-You got that right.
-What would you do without me to tease?
-Life would be infinitely poorer.
-I’m going on the net to see where French Apple is.
-One of youse intelligent.
-I’ll guess which. Should I google you to see if you’re one?
-Nothing stings like the taunt of a fool!
-You got that right.
Monday, April 28, 2014
A Certain Fate
"Let me freshen your drink, Senator!"
Since John Q never in
Position to utter such
Magic words, he loses.
And loses inexorably.
In the Land of the Fried
And Home of the Bought.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Seasoned Medical Complaints
-(shouts) Don't say hello again! Put the phone to your good ear!
-Hello? Oh, I don't mean that. I'm hearing you loud and clear.
-Which practitioner are you complaining about today? Obviously
not an ear person.
-Never mind! I'm seeing the Cancer Impresario at four. I'll let
you know what he slices off with his laser.
-Can't wait. You know...even at your age people develop
-I should fly little airplanes down Lincoln Road?
-Anything! Spare me the medical bore. On and freakin on!
-Hey! What can I say? It's my whole life!
-Why don't you have a party for the Big-C Billionaire, the Dermo,
the Dentist, the...
-I get the idea. But I'm not treating them, they're treating me!
-Humor! Lame, but valiant try from one nearly dead.
-All from Miami Beach, and I'm not even Jewish.
-Too bad. Then there'd be a tradition behind your abject misery.
A tremendous folklore from Russia and Poland. Artists who
translate tragedy to fiddles. And, add the thumping comedic
record coming down from the Yiddish theater.
-Okay! Okay! So there's nothing behind me except a succession
of sour and icy Puritans.
-Broke THAT tradition at least! You'll die doing it.
-As long as I can find it. I...tied a string!
-By God you’re laughing! Laughing!
-That's why I call you!
-I should go on the medical and psychiatric payroll.
-I’ll serve for a dollar a year.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
What Would Jesus Pack?
-In Georgia, can take a gun to church.
-And Atlanta, Beacon of the New South!
-Used to be.
-Why don't they just make two states:
Georgia and Backwards Georgia?
Friday, April 25, 2014
Forensics and the Freezer
Something to Remember You By*
-Why did she keep an arm? I mean, she stabbed him a frenzied
two hundred, give or take. Then acid-bathed him. Then, ground...
-Stop there! I get the gist.
-They find the arm in the freezer. Wrapped up like a roast.
Hadn’t really been able to extract DNA before this.
-(sings) Please give me something to remember you by.
-(also singing) When you are far away from me-yee.
-Some little something saying love will not die.
They continue alternating in song.
*Howard Dietz and Arthur Schwartz
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Fitting In the Mohawk
Techniques For Getting Ahead
-First of all, my Sissy marries a Mohawk guy. She gets "ditzy"
from her mother's sde.
-What color hair?
-Especially with the tattoos. So, anyway, he gets laid off from a
warehouse of a whole bunch of 'em.
-Employment prospects then?
-Close to zip! And Sissy comes over to cry. We usually like her
visits of course. Goth or not. And naturally, she's pregnant.
-Troubled young people, whatever the costume.
-Well...unbelievably they listen. What a shock that was! First thing,
we get him a suit.
-That's a sight!
-And a haircut.
-Goodbye Mohawk? Once proudly up there like a blue hatchet!
-Lou evened it all up. Or down. Like Marine Corps.
-How about the color.
-Next step for this now-acceptable young man?
-Training program for young brokers. Larry Finnerty, in charge,
owed me favor.
-Ugh! Not my world! Anyway, I feel two ways. One, he has to work, and two, most of us do have to compromise.
-But...will he turn into something like you? A weaseling toady who'd blow anybody to get ahead? Known far and wide for the
sink of his kowtow?
-Though your unfortunate bush-league sarcasm has grievously held
you back, we're really speaking now of an Art. Let's give him time.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Aeroplanes they never thrilled her
Barbette rocked with
one suicidal lover
after another. Her
father tried breathing
again when she turned
“Looks like shit but
who gives a fuck?”
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Seas of Berets
Delsee enjoyed the toy factory. Bitsey made it a lark.
Delsee placed a blue beret on red-haired B. Hocart, International
Detective, and Bitsey ran a stitch through it, in case a child might
swallow the tiny hat.
Delsee and Renton lived on a farm, their trailer being part of his pay.
They enjoyed the fields turning dark gold, then purple, after work,
and a beer.
Suddenly Renton got a mystery disease making him weak all over. Simultaneously, just about, the colors of R. Hocart, International
Detective, got switched: red beret on blue hair!
"And they're Gothing up Priscilla too!" Bitsey informed her.
Priscilla has helped him solve crimes in a sunny, blond way!
Not any more.
Both women start hating their jobs, and with Delsee worrying about
Renton alone in the trailer, and probably burning it down...?
These anxieties cease shortly after when the factory moves to
Delsee stays with Renton day and night. They hardly leave the trailer.
She receives early Social Security, and he, younger, has to fight for
Disability, getting a lawyer.
"In tough times, lots of faking," the examiner tells them. But Renton is finally approved, the VA doctor writing a letter.
Everything going fairly well one year later, the farmer having given
them the trailer, but Delsee still dreams seas of red berets, and
wakes up sweating.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Her mom o’d
& so she was-
n’t about to!
get talking with-
in 1 haunting
&. &. &.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
you must control and keep an eye on several things at once
-We're all becoming van Gogh.
-Mid (sings) Starry starry niiiiights...?
-No, the part about struggling for his sanity.
-What's the outcome?
-Ask the Bell Dance.
-That gong did done me wrong!
-Are we...making things up?
Saturday, April 19, 2014
-So you need a wronged woman? I got one! Deepest hurt for
the ladies. And then endless homicidal rage for the more
vicious segment of them.
-I'll call the agent of this...?
-Laurie. Nothing like her on the planet. Scares the shit outa me
just looking at her.
-Uh...I just thought, unfortunately. I'm afraid she recently ruled herself out.
-Stop it! How could...?
-She became a Larry.
-Sex change operation?
-The whole meghilla. So, if you need a wronged man someday,
that inner drive to murder translates easily enough.
-Call in one of the lazy-ass writers!
-Interesting move. Flip the script from girl to guy.
-No problem-o! But I'm thinking deeper this instant. Wronged both
as woman and man! In fact...perhaps not by external people at all.
-The whole searing drama played inside Larry-Laurie?
Jekyll and Helen?
-I'm sniffing Academy Awards!
-At least one of those genius ones for you.
-“I’d like to thank...nobody.” It’s a lonely life.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Running, and Running in Place
-All hail the conquering hero! hey?
-I'll remain here.
-The rabble will yell themselves hoarse.
-And get hit for it, or have trinkets showered on them.
-How many of these marauders have...?
-This is my last. He'll kill me or use me. If the latter, I'll eventually
ease to retirement.
-We could have left with the others.
-I've run, and run in place. No more.
-One word is he wants you for a post.
-I'll serve. As if there's a choice.
-He'll bathe with you. It's how he does everything.
-Well I'm old and fat and not likely to attract him.
-Why is it that some exist like us, smoothing things between
-It's a mystery I've never solved for myself.
-Despised by all?
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Same Old Same Old
Most scorned the legal barbarism of one slash monthly. But it made
no difference in the bought-and-paid for democracy.
The National Slashers Association lobbied for the limit to be
lifted to five. And all fees eliminated.
Many people, of course, didn't carry swords.
Which makes all five feet of Jeanette stand out. She wanders through the group of roistering Slashers on the fetid subway platform until she reaches the one who has abused her daughter.
The viral video proves remarkable, all commentators amazed at the
speed a small woman could generate. Experts break it down like
a golf swing.
Of course, she runs immediately afterwards, and the oafs can’t catch her.
The one clings to life as Senators decry vigilante lawlessness.
But Jeanette, for all her passion, had obtained a one-month license.
They apologize, and the news moves on to Fourth of July celebrations.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Latest edition of his history of the club featured the new
President on the cover, sitting with him on the famous bench
off the first tee.
He couldn't play with him, though. Three others had flown in,
their helicopter landing next to Marine One.
"Not you, of course! Billionaires, not peons!" remarked Assistant
Professional, Bert Sommes. Socialist Bert.
His editor concocted five pages describing the visit, including
the President going into the kitchen to ask Andre to deep fry
a sweet potato. Never happened.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
So-called Scrotum Window Bill has passed
President Joline Shellmire will sign into law
1) I'll sign it. It's trivial, but let's get it out of the way.
Our table is too full to waste any more time on it.
2) Trivial, hey? If Freedom is trivial! -Sen Malcom Rosstell,R,WY.
3) Let the boys have their little peekaboo. But, buy new garments.
Modified ones too chintzy! -Actress Mixxy Elbore
4) Add a devil-may-care female president to a perpetually cowardly
congress, and is it any wonder that the Hollywoodization of America is finally accomplished? We will pay! God insists!
-Rev Osgood Greb, Decency Front
5) Scrotum? How to not show what accompanies it? -Till Evans,
More from Sex & Politics WebNews in fifteen minutes
Monday, April 14, 2014
The Rise of Morons Through Money
-Look at that! Jesus will you freakin look at that!
-I knew you'd be taken with it. You've heard the concept, and
since we believe it so deeply, we wanted to show it in terms
the American Moron could understand.
-Does he speak in just greenbacks, or are there coins mixed in
-Bills make the point.
-But how did you...?
-Trade secret. We’ve worked on it a good while.
-I...can't make the words out, really.
-What difference does that make? It's the principle. Money is speaking! Therefore money is speech.
-Will he keep it up forever, or do you gather up about a bushel and
stick it up his ass for the process to begin anew?
-Something like that.
-Well, eighth wonder of the world. The man talks out money! Wow!
It keeps spewing and spewing from his mouth! I can’t get over it!
-Intellect solves problems if the smarmy government stays away!
-I'd send a clip of him to the Supreme Court. Sorta back them up.
I mean it sounds ridiculous to say money is speech and vice versa.
Two different things.
-But, observe! Obviously not!
-You keep educating the morons, and one fine day some will make
the Supreme Court.
-That battle has been won.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
-Still have that 20% off coupon?
-If they return for us, we won't insist.
-Nobody's coming back.
-Lousy fuckin deal!
-Well...'ll be fast when it...
-Burns up? Hardly painless.
-I'm gonna write a poem.
-You? I've got more talent than you and
I've got none.
-So what? I'll write about us.
-Not even Dorine or Ginger will read it!
They're probably living it up on the new
planet with some obnoxious space goons.
-Not in our control.
-Nothing is. We're, like, totally screwed.
-I'll put that in our poem.
-Your poem. I'M, somehow, gonna fight against the fire.
-The world will know our story. All the worlds.
-Yeah. I'll bet they can't wait.
-I believe in my poem!
-Keep it up! I’m...really done. The rest is talk.
-That’s my title!
-And if they ever would rescue us, you‘ll never shut up!
-That’s right. You’re a doer, I’m a talker.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Communities In Percentage of Intelligence, Example 1
-The only Austrian village comprised entirely of idiots.
-I don't believe it.
-Professor Lewistone, my mentor, didn't either.
-Skeptical in everything!
-Naturally. So he sent me to investigate.
-And you plugged in all the models?
-Mostly the American one of forty percent.
-And that confirmed...?
-No go. Others failed also. So I spoke to each citizen.
-And some were idiots and some...
-Nope. All idiots. My report confirmed.
-But how could they run a village? You'd have chaos.
-Not quite, at least not always. I was present at an important
meeting. First of all, everyone had a wonderful time!
-I can imagine.
-And, actually an agenda item in there! Appointing police officer.
-What criteria would...?
-After much disassociated screaming, they settled on Katrina...
with the proviso that she wear polka dot panties. She misunderstood, so that's all she wore the first duty day.
-But off the chart cute! So much so that everyone wore them
-None of that stuff makes any difference there.
-And did they keep on being happy ever after? As in the
-Until the election. Then you got the usual vituperation.
-And an idiot won?
Friday, April 11, 2014
Refusing to govern
is not Treason, just
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Varieties of Discourse
Mark being articulate, too much, we went crazy with
Whatever the subject, and they, too, proved limitless.
Lizzy, our garage sale maniac, hit one of Eagles memorabilia,
the old dude having kicked his last football. Evidently a true
idiot, his compressed air horn was thrown in by the grinning
widow when Liz bought all the jerseys at full price.
So, we dressed in them, and blasted the horn when Mark
spouted on and on.
Worked for a while: he clammed after a normal time!
But one night, he kept going anyway, so we adjourned
outside for some weed.
There we just caught his murmurs, not unbearable. Anyway,
the subject was mothers, specifically his.
When we got back, Liz gave him one extraordinarily sustained
blast and he exploded into tears.
Trembling wetly, explained that talking was like breathing
So we compromised. He sped on, seemingly with infinity in
mind, and we simply turned off.
Yeah? Don’t worry about it! We ARE becoming adults.
Taking our own routes.
Wednesday, April 09, 2014
Dreaming the Future
He dreams continuously of screwing small brass parts together,
and awakes exhausted, with stiff and throbbing fingers.
Night after night. Finally, gets permission to present his
case to the Dream Council.
All listen thoughtfully except a quite fat woman. "Now you
know what it feels like to actually WORK!"
He assures her that his meet-greet job involving immigrants
can be tiring: keeping up the smile and patter etc.
“I don't understand all these song-and-dance positions. And why
do we even need an Immigrant Council? They get everything
they want already. At the expense of true Americans!”
She later insists her remarks be stricken from the record.
Meets him later at the compulsory coffee. "I'm sorry to undermine
your real work, but getting tired of all the whining, especially
from Spick-e-os, and the Black and Yellow Perils." She chomps
a danish menacingly.
He puts the small black square from the council under his pillow that night and sleeps well, but wakes thinking of the virulent fat woman.
He would have reported her to The Surveillance Council, but anyone who did was, in turn, intensely shadowed in minute by minute life and online.
It had been six years with one couple he knew, and they even
invited one of their trailers to their Wedding Anniversary party.
Originally, they had made the mistake of complaining about a neighbor's uproarious Nazi Sing-Alongs.
Surveillance Council, in sum, ended up with virtually no work and
thus became a natural berth for politician's sons and daughters,
their parties legendary.
Tuesday, April 08, 2014
Getting Past the Money
Comedians of Governance
-Well it's all over but the counting!
-And we do that, so it's all over!
-I think we won legitimately.
-Shush! That's no fun.
-And now, the governing. All those new
ideas we campaigned on.
-Songs and dances! Our core, fortunately,
knew them to be lies.
-But we do stick to our central theme, no?
“The Recipe for Governance!” Love its sound!
-Sure. Here it is: First, stir the morons.
-Oh no! Not another Benghazi Cake?
-But...it's lost its flavor.
-Then, imagine it. This is politics! Once past
the Money, The Realm of the Imagination!
Monday, April 07, 2014
The company sent a team to search the island.
The women proved not as diligent as the men, and
separated to skinny dip.
Holbart saw them from his hiding place and it upset him.
To the extent that he looked for an opportunity to cull one.
Rae cooperated by digging through her messy backpack for
a comb as the others dressed and left.
“I was always the mope,” she explained to him.
But a strong swimmer. They went to a nearby island to avoid
even more searchers the next day or so.
Moonless, but he knew the stars.
“Yeah,” she remarked, “it’s all there in there.”
Three years, and she wonders if her sister married.
Everything else working out.
Sunday, April 06, 2014
Dangers in the Enjoyments of Children
“They ripped me from my group and tried to rape me!
Through the back part.”
Patrolperson Mary Cort had him sign his statement,
and then drove Pinocchio home.
Meantime, the two accused admitted they desired Goofy,
but couldn’t wait.
When she got back, Chief proclaimed, “I’m telling mayor
no more parades! Attracts wrong element.”
“But my daughter and Jiminy Cricket! And I love When
You Wish Upon a Star, his lovely falsetto in there!”
“Download it. Who’s preventing? Anyhow, no more perverts
going up the chute of Kermit the Frog!”
“Maybe just a personal point of view problem there, Chief?”
“I got THAT all right!”
Saturday, April 05, 2014
Somewhat Deeper Questions and Their Equally...
-Are you starry-eyed and vaguely discontented?
-A bit, the latter.
-Like a nightingale without a song to sing?
-Not really, but I do wish that I could shimmy
like my sister Kate.
-Will she be here later?
-Yes and no.
Friday, April 04, 2014
GOP Largesse to the Poor
They Probably WON'T Always Be With Us
-Can't have health insurance for all without subsidizing
poor people. Just can't be done, and that sticks in the
-The bums'll go out and get sick for the benefits?
-Yeah, like the lazy bastards who'd rather collect unemployment
-That last according to Senator So and So, anyway.
-Takes one to know one.
Thursday, April 03, 2014
-They stole the exam the department uses to throw weaksters out.
Then keyed the answers in patterns of six. So, start on six and
answers up to thirty-six would be a,b,c,d,e,f in sequence.
Thus Question Six fill in a, Seven, b, Eight c, and so on.
Then, skip five and start again on forty-two etc.
-In the skipped questions, you're on your own?
-But it's still too fishy.
-Yeah, so they scattered wild cards.
-So, our heroes would get those wrong?
-Most likely. The idea is to pass, 70 or above. It was a bitchin
-All the suspect group passed, save our favorite senator?
-At first. But they ran the whole batch through the machine twice
to verify, and lo and behold, he got 70.
-On the nose!
-Took some doing. Couple of erasures, etc, in the confusion.
-Oh well, we all cheated in some manner in school. But it pretty
much ends there for a lot of folks.
-Not our favorite senator. A virtuoso!
-Not senator for much longer, anyway. That brokers consortium
scandal with all those foreign banks? He's toast!
-Nope. Aide confessed and said he was out of the loop. Our hero's
tearful apology already in the can. Along with promise to give any
proceeds he unconsciously derived to boy’s and girl's clubs, most
in black neighbrohoods.
-And him with a closet of Christian Awards!
-Peculiar you should choose that enclosure.
-No! You mean he...?
-Hunting and fishing trips with Honey-Boy!
-And his wife? Does she...?
-Busy with her own Bum of the Month.
-Welcome to America!
-Uh uh! Just the Red State version. Besides, how come so many
want to come here?
-Their own country even more corrupt? Well...used to be.
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
Met Diva in Dive
& sd "Won't jive
u, didn't expect
t’see yr quality lady
in this sorta hole."
“So? It IS low if they let
likes of yourself in!" com-
menced her sibilant rant.
"You can be articulate when
not panting," I counseled.
Scotch stings the eyes.
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
Making One’s Way...
With a Car
After a week's wait in Motor Vehicles, I was given a moldy Danish
by a Lion.
The hiring freeze years old, most of the old employees had died
in place, and Lions Club took over the operation.
Had presented an old pair of glasses and got a number.
Today was supposed to be its day, but...another required because
the southern state I had moved from had so far refused to let me go.
Thus I had their plates on my car and was in violation here!
Enter the Fixer. No cards today: you show your iPad. It flashes red at me:
We have a Cray, hey hey hey!
Blink and we solve the ruckus
for a hundred buckus.
Then it changes to For two hundred
buckus we true the ruckus.
“Which do you prefer?” he asks.
“You mean for prose style?”
“Exactly so. That's why we changed it. Solve was so weak!”
“Well...true is better?...come on! I'll pay the two hundred.”
‘For Art! Our HQ has paintings and sculpture nobody can fathom.
And musical afternoons.”
“Well, then, my money's going for something.”
I wave my Mastercard over his iPad. And it signals Done!
“A little slower than usual due to that state you moved from.”
“Oh yeah, good ole...”
“Don't say it! Just the mention opens us up to slander suits.
Their argument is that it evokes the corrupt, incompetent,
racist past. Or present. One.”
Suddenly my phone vibrates madly. Wife texts plates arrv.
“Those are the permanents. My crew already has temps on
“They were put on right after you drove in. The Cray anticipates.
Like your lunch at Bald Louie's with Dorine from Accounting?
Better go easy there! We've red-flagged her for breaking up
three marriages already.”
“It's business. Tax stuff!”
“Uh huh? Cray pretty suspicious.”
“Will it follow me everywhere now?”
“What do you mean, will? By the way, Today’s Special: I entered
you into the Dominican Lottery and you won twelve bucks.
Comes off the tab at Louie’s.”
When I leave he whispers, “Apropos of nothing, that itch is
from nerves. Get some Gold Bond. Unfortunately, outa samples.”