Wednesday, December 31, 2014
After Visitors Left the Lab
-Not the Curies...
-but we do our best.
-Where are the snows of yesteryear?
-Melted, mixed with mud, run down the gutters!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Opposite Political Operatives
-It's a pigsty!
-Don't you just love it?
-Your oink is disgusting!
-No, YOUR oink...!
Monday, December 29, 2014
The Really Big Guy
-How did you become so thoroughly
-It started when I took the advice of elders.
-Always a mistake. They lie to entrench.
-And now it's hard to go through Google News
without something about me. At work--or
-That latter has cost you dearly.
-Divorces and scandals! And no grounds in
-Yet you wouldn't trade it for a pot of gold!
-I've got that. Whacked, but intact.
-I think I'd like to try being worshiped also.
-You get so carried away, you join in.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
TV Requires Augmenting
Reality Therefore Arranged
-We can proved you cheated during the Race Down
-It was foggy and we ran into a jeep. Trundled the whole
obnoxious crew into it.
-We have Truth on our side now!
-What’s that? We have ex-cons with edge. Add a totally
sexy bombshell, plus one woman who chews nails and shits
bullets, and we’re TV! You’re old radio. The whole weak
group huddled round the Sears Silvertone, and kissing
Grandpa’s and Grandma’s ass!
-Say what you want. We eventually win!
-Only cuz we agreed to the fix. Be much bigger next time.
Public loves it when nasties return.
-Well, we’ve learned some tricks also. Thus...
-Yeah, but you’re librarians! You read about Evil and
think that’s enough!
-There’ll be no fix this next time. We will legitimately triumph!
-Not a chance in Hell!
Saturday, December 27, 2014
-I got a hundred hours of Honey-Bunnies!
-Thank God a week of rain in there, and they
cuddled! She became his Cuddly-Wuddly.
-Bumpky-Wumpky? I'll talk to the linguist about
that one! Darker, somehow!
-Oh don't be a Poopy-Doopy!
-Me a Poopy-Doopy? You're the Poopy Doopy!
I'm Mr Sunny-Wunny!
-Uh uh! I’m the Sunny-Wunny one! Even the techs
call me Little Miss Sunny-Wunny!
No use going on. The whole world turned
Baby Talk at the end of 2014! Before
The Great Wrenching Puke which caused
it to be banned in several countries,
Friday, December 26, 2014
Assing Around Xmas
-Those categories too narrow: naughty or nice.
-Have you amplified?
-The former most definitely.
-That’d disgust me. The last thing a relationship
or country needs.
-Drag politics into it!
-Let’s DO Drag next year!
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Christmas is coming,
The goose is getting fat.
Let’s put a penny
In the old man’s hat!
We’re walking down nighttime, like daylight! Broadway.
-Won’t let them stick a penny in my hat, Chups!
-There’s a broken heart for every light here!
-Nothing to us. Used up our quota.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
New Wine in Old Boffos
-It’s hardboiled detective drama from the Forties.
With the boxy clothes! Can’t have Chevvie SUVs and
humongous vans, and Special K on breakfast tables!
-Handsome product placement fees!
-So is the producer! Here for thirty years and still
can’t speak English!
-Doesn’t affect the product.
-The PRODUCT? Is it affected by a director fresh off his latest
detox after the boyfriend finally left? A leading man and lady
without a discernable IQ between them? Techs who’ve been
around so long that this Jewel in the Crown is not the worst
crap they’ve worked on?
-Never mind all that! Let’s keep the integrity of the script.
-That WHAT? It started straight-stupid drama, and then sent
itself up for demented chuckles. It’s a total, unreclaimable mess!
ANYWAY...as they say in Chinatown, let’s cut to the Chink!
-You got shit? Swing with it!
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Life and Books
-Thoreau was right. Have a sparse place. Easy to clean
without the dusty knickknacks. Thus, your mind clean also.
-I’d go along, but would add a woman.
-Ever met one not cluttered?
-How ‘bout a man?
-Do you swing that way in addition?
-I mean for companionship. You’re projecting awful lonely!
-The only trouble there would be attitudes. These muck, certainly.
-So be a clean hermit in a clean cabin? Like, totally alone?
-That’s the way to do it.
-Can I make it Disney, with racoons and rabbits coming for
din-din? And Bambi making goo-goo eyes?
-We’re getting far afield!
-Nice country around there, and all the people warm--if not
-You’re simply not one for Thoreau then?
-He lives in a book.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Jenks and I only ones alive.
Half the plane still bobbed in the cove.
We buried bodies best we could. Piled rocks etc.
Phones worked, and after trying rescue channels--
no luck!--we quickly searched what fruits etc were
edible and not poisonous.
Kept working long after batteries should be dead,
so they were being charged by something.
Welcome to Satellite Orch! the screens finally
announced. You're guests, but encouraged to study
We studied. Figured best way to survive.
Exact parallel to our old place with Constitution and Bill of Rights.
But laid on particularly thick.
Jenks gave a flat, smooth hand gesture, meaning
they lie like a rug. But to them, such a gesture meant things remain placid, courtesy of an enlightened government. An accidental plus for us!...they always watched, of course.
Anyway, we gave all the answers they desired, and
after a year or so, they sent an enveloping flag and
we were lifted up to an esoteric vessel and transported to Central Orch. And to a nice citizenship celebration.
Lots of a beverage that practically set one afire–-
We're both married to Orchian women. They started with us as spies, but slacked off, and all that's forgotten.
The best thing about life here is the same as the place we left via that fateful airplane:
Human Nature to let the bullshit go after a while
and just live.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
*Pennsylvania Dutch for Neatening
-I don’t sleep well because I’m not tired
when I go to bed.
-So, work a little!
-I do. That is I rhett up from time to time.
Just enough so a friend might not say
“Christ! What foul wind sped through
-That should fatigue you somewhat.
-It does, but the rest is merely trivial shit
-You need a girlfriend. She’ll heighten
the experiences just described.
And exhaust you otherwise.
-That question is indicative of more serious
-Just teasing is all!
-And THAT, further...!
-I know. I’m a bundle of complexes, and what I don’t have you’ll donate as a form of weird charity.
-Why can’t you just be like me?
-Everyone’s most important question!
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Creativity on the Right
Another Conservative Solution
-I usually handle it myself.
-Together, more things are possible.
-Whacking off in a group...I don't know.
-Well, that's nice, I suppose. Whacking off
-We don't put it in that vulgar way.
-Oh? What precise vulgar way do you...?
-Haven't found the right words yet. Someone
suggested Release for God and Country.
Another modified that to Releasing God
-Doesn't ring a bell, especially a cracked one.
-Whatever. You show up and help us!
-I been mostly helping myself.
-That's the trouble! Strength Together!
-Sounds like a Nazi slogan.
-They weren’t all bad. We don't have
any Jews, for one thing.
-Well, there goes one worry!
Friday, December 19, 2014
Would Marcus prove incompetent in everything?
He answered that by wearing one sock to the office.
Since he was Boss, and this being America, staff
followed suit thereafter.
Thus Incompetence became the New Competence!
Time named him Person of the Year.
Pointed out to children, who couldn’t be bothered.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
-Okay, what you got on the broad?
-Nothing! There’s nothing! She’s as pure as the
-Bad news! Whereas our guy...?
-Slush! The wives, the mistresses and messy divorces.
The girlfriends coming into the game off the bench.
-Been one busy sonabitch!
-Demonstrating tolerance! Keeping up.
-In shrieking fight in male whorehouse in Vegas over
one of ‘em.
-That was a guy with a similar name. Not our idiot!
-Can’t really tell at present: records lost.
-Good things happen to bad people.
-And now, returning to the present, our opposing Pure Prudence
also dragging vaguely dissatisfied hubby to everything.
-Domesticity worth ten percent of vote.
-Yeah, but she lacks the core lunatics our guy has!
-Exactly! Just one more task and we win! I stride forth to the
enemy camp! Not afraid to be a hero!
-Why offer not to use our opposition research if they
promise the same!
-Why would you use that word?
-Nah! It’s okay. I’m just surprised because it's the
precisely right one!
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
The Art of the University
-What do you profess at the university?
-That’s too narrow for us to pay you.
-Really, myself making Art as an example
to students attempting same.
-Uh huh? That shit prospers at Harvard or
Penn where they’re burning through rich men’s
moolah, but this is Commonwealth of Pennsylvania–-
and we desire minimum nonsense in the eyes of
John and Joannie Q.
-Let me sit with them and deeply explain the pain
and joy of it!
-With the former, they’re familiar. The latter might as well
be on another planet.
-Not so! I can show...!
-No time. Just keep going on in the same half-ass way.
There’s elbow room for well-meaning naifs in even
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Buzz During Fright
The Brilliant Associate
-I just know they're culling the quiet ones. They read out an
order and then shoot you. And not necessarily in that order!
-I'm saying nothing because I don't understand a thing anyone says.
I recognize that it's English, though.
-That's a start. Look! Learn the buzz words. When anyone looks to
you to say anything, spout!
-Well, prioritize always stays hot.
-As in Prioritize the remaining aggregate?
-Just...came to me.
-Then, follow it up with something sorta rhymey.
-Don't...buy the insaning domain!
-Better yet! You've been a slumbering genius.
Now, add something literary.
-For there are more things in heaven and earth
than are dreamt of in your philosophy!
-Too literary. They'll say you're condescending them. Shoot you
for that too! Notch it down from Shakespeare.
-Okay, okay. Because it's the best of times and the worst of
-Go on!...must prioritize the remaining aggregate...
-...thus avoiding the insaning domain!
-Finishing touch of vulgar or folky? Continue!
-Since that's all she wrote...
-...before she bought the farm!
-You’re God-like! Recap the whole business!
-Nah! I'll puke! But I can vary things, right? Juggle ‘em around,
and with different intros? Bit of a joke here and there?
-That's where the Art comes in. Man! Instead of dead, you'll be
a Section Leader!
Down by a couple of rungs. Retired as Chief of Thirty Sections!
Honored personally by the Presiding Chief! as “The Associate
who always found the right, brilliant, words.”
Monday, December 15, 2014
Horror Among Thieves
“I’ll give Libertarians another:
When Government buys it,
the price goes up! Hardly rot.
But Good Government bargains
it down! End of story understood. Not
the Thieves’ Parley we
have at present, courtesy
of the advising Parties.
And their consenting,
and directing, Billionaires.”
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Women of the Same Name
Denise 1 captains barges.
Steady as she goes! she went.
Having had it with Larky's imbibing.
Denise 2 climbs aboard Good Ship Drunk.
Organizing. Does his many closets first, un-
covering all the bottles and trashing them.
Larky orates painfully, abusing his
few friends. They, preferring the souse
to the louse, rashly vacate him. As does
Denise 2, in favor of a Latin stud
who likes their fiery dancing
more than firewater.
But a funny thing happens to Larky
after Denises. He sobers to the near-
corpse stage of Professing Puritans.
Denise 1 barges back,
taking him in tow
with a taut line.
His favorite proverb, When
the Devil cannot come himself
he sends a woman! goes mod.
Truly clearer now
for the first time
he substitutes God.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
The Massive Footprint
Detectives Romey and Pearl
Herve Best, Carpenter, reported
it from his cell and stuck
around as instructed.
“No human made that!” Pearl emitted.
And Romey started hinting
that Bell had fashioned a form
from wood and pressed it
in the mud. Bell laughed.
“Let me point out here and here!
Places where things ain’t square.
No carpenter would let that go like that.
He’d a-put the levels to it in the shop.”
“Makes sense,” Pearl shrugged.
"Then we got us a monster...”
“Or another hoax! Police
Work being a hoax a day
presently.” Spat Romey. Patrol-
person Joanne Harrel,
taking the pictures.
Went back to the car
for the molding kit, then
“What’ll I tell my future grandchildren?
With all their cop toys! Years later?
With all these jokes on us?”
“You served with distinction!” Pearl began,
“And a fool, both.” Romey finished.
Friday, December 12, 2014
The Grave Carry the Day
decided against getting serious.
Her friends who had finally seized
control now wanted to speak only
It became their God.
She persisted in her trivial life.
Smelling the roses almost exclusively.
"What a waste!" proclaimed Cynthia, Rust,
The trio who’ll put you in a new Lexis!
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
-You’re one hell of a femme fatale, Cynthia!
But the caustic wisecracks undermine it all.
-Can’t help myself.
-Shouldn’t the sex come first?
-That’s up to it.
Tuesday, December 09, 2014
Ev and Betsy
-That father of yours and the life he’s led. You could strike a
match on his nose!
-He’s a hard one. Bulletproof.
-And yet he bursts into tears at Thanksgiving Dinner!
-What was that all about? I was at the other end of the table.
-He was reciting some stupid children’s poem.
-Which one? Do you remember any of the words?
-I wasn’t listening.
-Is that Old Age? You finally put your heart out there, and
nobody gives a shit?
Monday, December 08, 2014
Two Know It Nearly All Dems
-In their deeper Southern holes, Republicans
fanned the hatred of the black president
since Day 1!
-But that’s color-blind hate.
Sunday, December 07, 2014
-Well, we go coed next year! How am I...?
-To teach women?
-I’ve had such wretched luck.
-Oh, I don’t know, Bernice has stuck in there
and made you civil, if not civilized.
-She’s the Eighth Wonder!
-And! Your future resource when things get sticky.
-Will they? I’m worrying all the time!
-The Great Persona! The Character! The Legend!
Scholar, and brilliant and witty teacher! Jumps
into a pickup basketball game of students.
Is actually credible. Things heat up and he
exchanges four letter words! Whattaguy!
-All true, in more modest measure. Add ‘Walker
on Eggs’ now. I’ll prove more than cautious with
the young ladies.
-That’s looking for trouble.
-Hey! Don’t we all modify our acts as life wears on?
Why are you exempted? Well...you HAVE been.
A great ride heretofore!
-Retiring not out of the question.
-To what? Writing even more of those articles that seven
hermits in Iceland read? You’re a born teacher! Let ‘er rip!
-You give me contrary advice!
-Wait until the contrary sex gets ushered in!
-Harrowing image by itself! I’m doomed! It’ll lead off Action News.
Some stupid thing I say that forces every women in America to drop her Macy’s bag and man the barricades!
-You’ve deranged your mind with anxiety! Again, wait for the
actual girls. They don’t fall from some pure universe, instead
having angry and babbling fathers, and horny uncles.
-And boyfriends they’d like to kill?
-They won’t desire killing you. They’ll love you! You really don’t
have a worry in the world.
-Easy for you to say!
-Evidently, nothing is, for you.
Saturday, December 06, 2014
(Try Another Room for Romance)
-Excuse me, but we’ve both waited an hour or so.
Our dates aren’t showing.
-Just another one of these lousy, rotten...!
-Me too. Distressing. Let’s get coffee.
-With you? A stranger?
-Not so! I’m on Facebook.
-Does anybody like you?
-Three. All in Iceland.
-Excuse ME, now. But the light suddenly got better: you’re hardly a bargain.
-It’s tuned to the warmth of bodies.
-Is this a mortuary establishment or a bookstore?
-Anyway...you should talk!
-Me, I know. I was appraising you.
-Well, don’t! Enough hurt tonight, thank you.
-No hurt! Facts for both of us. So what? The Handsomes rule us out! Who needs ‘em?
-Let’s not have coffee in the store. Bookish types stare, and categorize in ice.
-Lou and Letty’s All Nighter across the rain-soaked street. Their neon shimmering!
-Fine for our purpose.
-Dutch. From here to infinity.
-Let’s not go there.
-To Lou and Let...?
-You know what I mean.
Friday, December 05, 2014
The few times Skutz met other employees,
he asked them about their work. He had
glimpsed hints of it from the papers
crossing his desk.
This was evidently an etiquette breach,
for all communications from the company
henceforth came to his home. And no other
company person came near his office.
And what came across his desk was now
coded, except for the signature on the bottom.
He had been instructed to stamp everything
Which he did. For eight years.
Then he was told to stamp nothing unless
it contained the name, Murcer.
That was easy. All signed by Murcer anyway.
A very large signature he knew by heart.
No first name.
Three more years passed, pleasantly enough.
He had gotten used to seeing no other
Then one morning, the very first paper,
contained the word, Murder.
He locked it in his top drawer.
No paper qualified after that, not having
The obvious conclusion: Murcer was murdered.
But his not to reason why.
Soon enough, another communication in his home
mailbox notifying him to stamp nothing not
containing the name Oggnurst.
He wonders, for years now, what that name can
be turned into.
Thursday, December 04, 2014
-But I’m not Jewish!
-I get it. We start with the punchline! Then safari
back through your whole range of ethnic
prejudices to ascertain just what you are.
-I love this game! And you don’t shoot any little
bundles of electrons representing aliens. Or sell
off those parts of Atlantic City not occupied by
-Do I ask questions? Is that the drill?
-You can. Or I can give a patriotic speech?
-How much will you take not to?
-What has ruined Patriotism in this country?
-Patriots. So-called. Or self-designated.
-The trouble is all the little pissy wars! We need one
we can sink our teeth into. A big one with arty posters.
-It’s not a real war without them. They rally one!
-Loose lips sink ships!
-How did you know?
-The hot way you embrace dead concepts.
-I’m about to exhibit modesty. Now THAT’S amazing!
-We had gotten far off the topic, and then...!
-Amen amen I say to you...
-that if a man gives a fish to another man, well what
good is that?
-But if he LEARNS to fish!
-Then he can also learn to love minimum wage with squat benefits.
-There’s the patriot we’ve been seeking! But, not now! I’m busy dreaming of shoving rich people through eyes of needles.
-I, as God, will bless you!
-Don’t bother! You’ve been a disaster for me!
-You expect too much! I’ll put my batting average against anyone’s!
-Well, I’d never sign you. Too much baggage.
Wednesday, December 03, 2014
Two Congressional Aides
-Still working on The Freedom Act?
-What’s the holdup?
-Too many restrictions!
-Is it Fascism yet?
-The Republicans say so.
-And pray so.
Tuesday, December 02, 2014
What You Will in Your Way
Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy
barked and snarled while
ripping off raw meat from
a huge bone.
Sideshow Barker supplied
the background: how his
devout missionary parents
were slaughtered in Vastest
Afreekuh! How he was
raised by wild dogs,
and how his Aunt Bertha
rescued him with The Bible
thrust at the snapping pack!
When Jo-Jo could be calmed down,
you were invited to ask him
a scriptural question for a nickel.
Very much more than that to see different
evidence in a dim, straw-smelling room
of LOU-LIL! Man? Woman? Both?
Hodge, the new barber, lays his money
down! And later testifies: “Side-by-side.
Cunt and prick! I kid you not!”
The Professor peers over his
Des Moines Register. “Sets up
an intriguing question.”
But before it can be answered,
a young man wearing a wristwatch
ambles past. All rush to the window,
Hodge, with scissors, leading with
“Truly hope it doesn’t injure
your pretty little wrist, Darling!”
Spew what you will in your way,
but America is only one-tenth
as moronic presently.
Monday, December 01, 2014
& the Grammar of Working
Blatch is a calm boss. And somewhat firm.
As a result, the girls fine-tune him, and he them.
But a something wanders. They slack off, and he
proves a beat behind.
A day’s work ruined! And he lights into them!
From his boss...the usual sarcasm.
But the Big Guy emails he’s coming for a
“Anxious to chat, though.” Uh huh?
Marcy had worked there before they married.
“Ominous!” she pronounces. “And, more immediately,
you’ve lost the trust of your girls. Oh well, there’s
But there isn’t. He’s transferred to a city a hundred
miles away. A ‘Showcase’ where the girls are in
a retarded program with the State.
“A promotion!” she wisecracks.
How the company is selling it in the business press.
“See you on weekends!”
The silver lining? Marcy will devote all her time
exploring retirement options. She’s super meticulous
in anything like that!
“Did you blink when the Big Guy took you on?” she
asks, the second or fifth weekend in.
“I merely listened.”
“One bad habit!”
“But all the psychologists are always saying...!”
“Next time, beg! An active verb!”