All Over the Place

The Fresh One



SENATOR
President tried to run with it,and the ball and the game disintegrated.
Anyway,senior bloc’s a stealth bomb!

LOBBYIST
The game is on again. We’re sending you talking points.
System failing,returns too small,privatize or face ruin.
You know the mantra.

SENATOR
By heart.

LOBBYIST
We won’t be ungrateful.

SENATOR
I need an amount.

LOBBYIST
I’ll punch it up on my little calculator,which,unlike us,
has no memory.

SENATOR
Uh huh. But you left a zero off.

LOBBYIST
So I did. Voila! the corrected amount. Onboard?

SENATOR
Forever!...on this one.

LOBBYIST
More champagne?

SENATOR
Order up a fresh one.

Winds

play above
loss. Sit as

you must,win-
dows awash--
nothing

required,
becoming

rainlight.

Shortest Dialog

-This nation has to show some good will.
Help to broker a ceasefire as a start.

-This nation has to kill or aid in the killing
of as many fuckin Arabs as possible!

Young Astor,Immaculate In

Naval Whites burned,
therefore,to fetch
his father’s briny

corpse,prising it
from out Titantic’s
classless rout.

The Invention of the Particular Foot

Everbody,given a glum picture,
puts his best foot forward.

President,flummoxed,crip-
pled,invents one,&

forwards same. Some embrace
the foot,others even lick
it. Most refuse to see it.

Putin At McCartney Concert

Unbends as best he can,
which isn’t much.

Everybody sings once-
verboten lyrics,raw gusto
answering ptomaine. So

Putin smiles as he
did when draw-
ing a line

through a name.
Doing same here,

if he cares
to apply.

It may have been the hundredth anniversary

of perpetual war and we had long ago
gotten rid of the party inventing it,
and shamelessly riding it to power,but

the concept proved forever irresistible
to their opposites. Anyway,despite

warnings we decided on a picnic.
A smashing,shaded grove,and
we had everything along.

Iced beer and sodas,potato
salad to die for. Diverse
picnickers defying authorities,

we even brought clergy! Un-
like Hollywood stereotypes,

they like a good time
and know great songs!

As we had suspected,a warrior soon
materialized among the sycamores,
ordering us to depart,not leave
home again without permission.

Sister Dorothea responded, “Shut
the fuck up! We're sick of all
your paranoid shit!” When he left we

asked about her outburst. “Vulgarity
is not a sin. Or God would’ve
destroyed this country by now.”

"Americans Don't Cut & Run"

So many wars terminate
politically. Murderers

conferring over lemonade
negotiate ½ loafs. Thus

does one stand & fight,&
cut and run simultaneously.

Nathan Hale & Sergeant York
peering out from sidebars.

The Baby Dying

from the bomb is,
breathe easy,
justified

in theory.

Officials enjoy
breakfast with

the News.

It's urban specificity

gets me. We broom
sealer onto our park-
ing lot,my co-op,

& Cadillac eases past,
broadcasting

styrofoam peanuts
over the black goop.

Logical Outcome*

“...and so we,your caring neighbors,
must request that little Ahmed no longer
ride his bicycle through our community.”

*Civilians are killed because terrorists mix in
with them. -any number of Republican Chowderheads

Vital Operations and the Human Mind

-Enduring Freedom had a ring. I didn’t forget it.

-But you did Operation Bunker Hill,and that’s why General Heller ordered me to speak with you.

-Had a mind-fart,Sir. I substituted whatchacallit when the General asked a question.

-Lame totally. You’re not officer material. Well,not in this case. I don’t want to be unfair.

-Worst moment of my life. I don’t blame you for saying anything.

-Some find pneumonic devices handy. Now with Bunker Hill,as an example,you just had to remember the first syllable.

Occupied with Power*

Look! We’ve chosen!
We’re Americans! Big!

Always! Not like these
little European men
look like women!

*You cannot win an occupation. All you can do
is choose the size of your humiliation.
-attributed to Ehud Barak

The Neopans


NEO-PANGLOSSIAN
Listen to us! You don’t know your history. Our plan is based on special reality transformed to art.

CITIZEN
But it’s all fucked up! People get up one morning and are dead by evening. And for ever-changing reasons! We’re an occupying army,like despised Germany in France. To the world,a lower and lower variety of shit!

President rules by divine right,his party rubber stamping everything. No balls!

And if you can have fewer than none,label you Democrat.

All lie to furnish their niches,but you’re the master.

NEO-PANGLOSSIAN
Uh huh? You can’t remember things being worse I suppose? Well,History is long,my friend. Read Strauss,especially the concept of the NOBLE Lie. Holy Lie it should be called!

As a footnote,we’ll soon distribute pictures of Cheney where he doesn’t scowl--contrary to stereotype,we joke all the time.

CITIZEN
You’re crazy!

NEO-PANGLOSSIAN
Like a fox,my peasant friend.

CITIZEN
Peasant,huh? I guess you can’t,then,weave a circle round me thrice,and feed me honeydew, and the milk of paradise?

NEO-PANGLOSSIAN
Only those in the circle who totally subscribe. The beauty part–allow me to flick a tear away--is that you don’t have to in order to fight and die for our ideals.

CITIZEN
I’ll take a pass.

NEO-PANGLOSSIAN
We’re thinking of forbidding that at The Academy of Clouds.

CITIZEN
What you’ve enabled might result in terrorists rigging up atomic briefcases with Radio Shack Parts.

NEO-PANGLOSSIAN
Then do what we do. Buy Radio Shack stock.

Seminar

SENATOR
I’m a sonofabitch! I don’t have to hear professors rant,or float their fairy theories.
Even our professors!–and aren’t they a kiss-ass bunch? I’ve been in politics all
my life,and yet even I can throw up. This outhouse helps.

And,listen! If I want to play Daniel Boone, I’ll camp in the woods back of my house
back home.

AIDE
The rustic housing and surroundings are supposed be conducive to purer thought,
Sir. Away from combat of the rancid beltway n’all?

SENATOR
Well it isn’t. It’s conducive to expansive bullshit!

AIDE
Just one more session. And it’s rumored the president might copter in!

SENATOR
Dead letter. Oh Jesus H. Christ no toilet paper! Just what you’d fuckin expect!

AIDE
I’ll get right to the Concierge!

SENATOR
Yeah,Concierge in a flannel shirt. Never mind. I always carry a copy of the Constitution.
Any port in a storm.

AIDE
Sir?

The Market

Dave Barry said what he learned
in 4 years of college was how to
make a milkshake in a paper bag.

At my school,prof took umbrage
on his bulletin board. Prophet,
since umbrage booms now,dark.

Uncertain How to Vote?

But just a bit of
a left bitcher?

Understood!
Move to Florida.

We’ll likely switch you
in the computer for
the greater good. Trans-

forming thus your civic
duty to your religious.

This Offer Not Available in Stores

Rolling along this 1% Doc-
trine River. Uncadick's,me-
thinks,on that scantiest

possibility of terror-
ists atomic etc,then get-

ting hands,further,on
your daughter,or more

likely,son,then etc
etc & all in the mush
of a rheumy cloud,thus,

as random preventative,
1% of globes's broken

ultimately snuffed re
bravehome fearlogic?

So? We hire more bale
lifters as they sweat
and pray. Sounds

callous to the poor,
& bleeding

enablers,but not like
wiping out MIT now,
is it,Clyde?

Modern Sam Spade Case

-You function in a highly symbolic manner. I get that. So? Where’s the specific threat
you want me to...?

-Implied,but I’ve been warned.

-What did they say?

-That I had to cease being the only honest person in the recording business.

-How did you get this far? We all made these choices much earlier.

Vuss Dot Lady...?

Freud analyzed humor.
If you must know.

Lou Opinion


-Fuckin TV’s shot. Alls I get is four broads sitting around a table and shrieking.

-No baritones?

-And some men in the audience! Give 'em a skirt!

-Sexist?

-Hey my mother was a woman and equal to any man. Touch any of her cubs,just touch,and she'd rip your heart out!

-Maybe some of that instinct in your four TV ladies?

-I doubt it. ‘Oh my hair and oh my nails, oh oh oh oh oh!’
Can you imagine such fou-fou broads on the Oregon Trail?

-Show business! You're taking it too seriously.

-It's a mirror! Turning little girls into consumer whores.

-You a Communist,Lou?

-What's to the left of that? Anything that isn't as completely full of shit as Capitalism?

-Anarchy.

-We'd be better off. Fewer thieves.

-Are you through?

-Never! Hey I had business in Gunnison,Colorado once. Hadda stop the car while cattle were driven
across the road. Not by cowboys but cowgirls! Now those were fuckin women! Don’t tell me
about women! The real ones aren’t ornamental assholes.

Outnumbered

LIBERAL
Every government has to protect the weak person.

CONSERVATIVE1
Fuck ‘im!

CONSERVATIVE2
But only if we have time.

LIBERAL
Surely you jest?

CONSERVATIVE1
That’s all we do.

CONSERVATIVE2
Government’s a joke!

LIBERAL
Then we’re all jokers!

CONSERVATIVE1
Bingo!

CONSERVATIVE2
But for my Protestant constituents,Amen.

LIBERAL
Laugh all you want. You’ll be turned out of office!

CONSERVATIVE1
We already have been. And more than once. Hadda adjust results
towards the higher good!

CONSERVATIVE2
Just gotta keep flipping those votes!

CONSERVATIVE1
Like pancakes!

CONSERVATIVE2
More like magic! Puts our haters in our column!

LIBERAL
Oy!

CONSERVATIVE1
Now don’t be a Jew in everything!

The Thank-You Notes

from Afghan
and Iraqi hosts

have lost grace
in translation.

Those dead follow
niceties no longer.

A shame! For civil-
ized society marked
by soft exchange.

They’ve been cheated,
of respect,

but,more importantly,
of elegance.

Why It's Better to Deal with a Human Human

“Oh you poor bastard!
you got it all fucked-

up didn't you? Well,lessseee,
maybe we can...?”

As opposed TO!
“If you peruse 14E just once
more,you will clearly see...”

American Males Want Depth

but,like the salesman in
“Double Indemnity” a hot come-
on derails,making them think

they too are hot. Sucker game,
like the pseudo tenderness

feminism imposes on Dopes.
The Wits,as always,lie. And

when the girls go out to flee,
they don’t need sensitivity.

But a rawness only women
fathom.

Upon Taking Down the Murphy Bed

in my Cocoa Beach apartment:
For whatever fame or infamy
you ache, you'll never ever

pass ole Murph. So, hoe
yr own rutabagas, Baby,
and fuck everybody.

To Live In Interesting Times

According To Ron S,it
seems we waterboarded
a crazy man. Worse

than torturing sane?
Morality today: such
heavy questions! Well
the moral person decides!

Not as bad. Dullest knife
doesn’t know it’s being
ground in order to shine.

The Economic Debate Extends

REPUBLICAN Not much to run for. Fun’s diminished since we’ve given away all we could to our Rich Goombahs. May they remain grateful!

DEMOCRAT Given what we don’t have. So we borrow from
the Chinese.

REPUBLICAN Not really a loan. More like permission to unload...

DEMOCRAT their tons of slave-junk.

REPUBLICAN So be it. Opiate of the people.

DEMOCRAT You know? It...all of it sounds like an unstable mix.

REPUBLICAN Oh it’ll blow! In our time, just a flareup or two.

DEMOCRAT Civil War2 wouldn’t leave much if competing armies
use atomic weapons.

REPUBLICAN Look at it this way. You need the coastal cities
for commercial hubs. New York, Miami, LA, etc.
Midcountry? Just Chicago.

DEMOCRAT So we might lose an Indianapolis etc.

REPUBLICAN Be one blasted heartland! There goes our Republican values!

DEMOCRAT We’d better, especially you, take a time out.

REPUBLICAN Tragedy belongs to the gods. Let the chips fall.

The Economic Debate Extends

REPUBLICAN Not much to run for. Fun’s diminished since we’ve given away all we could
to our Rich Goombahs. May they remain grateful!

DEMOCRAT Given what we don’t have. So we borrow from the Chinese.

REPUBLICAN Not really a loan. More like permission to unload...

DEMOCRAT their tons of slave-junk.

REPUBLICAN So be it. Opiate of the people.

DEMOCRAT You know. It...all of it sounds like an unstable mix.

REPUBLICAN Oh it’ll blow! In our time, just a flareup or two.

DEMOCRAT Civil War2 wouldn’t leave much if competing armies
use atomic weapons.

REPUBLICAN Look at it this way. You need the coastal cities
for commercial hubs. New York, Miami, LA, etc.
Midcountry? Just Chicago.

DEMOCRAT So we might lose an Indianapolis etc.

REPUBLICAN Be one blasted heartland! There goes our Republican values!

DEMOCRAT We’d better, especially you, take a time out.

REPUBLICAN Tragedy belongs to the gods. Let the chips fall.

Changers


"Well,we wanted to avoid the mistakes of Bi,Nevada."

Speaking is Alice,formerly Albert of Service-Now!,the national A/C repair franchise.

And presently full-time mayor of Birdsong,a new lake community in central Maine. Continuing: "Anyone is welcome to move in,but
all so far are changers."

Her husband,Otis (Odelle in the past)complains of the mayor’s time spent away from home, adding, "Roads, schools, parks, taxes--paradise still gotta be run!"

"I knew him when,"Alice laughs,"and he's as blunt as she was."

Ah, Never to Lose!

As I recall some wry
American Reds losing
China in dimmest past...

Korea and Nam win-
nable,but low-
est forms called

politicians tied
warriors’ hands by

floating fetid deals
with Left-O scumballs.

Now in the midst
of a two eyes for
one sectarian blood-

trap,cock an ear! Guys
haven't been allowed

to win Iraq, and thus
can't really lose!

From those Brilliances
whose bullhead dogma has

brought so much pain to
so so many,and who think

the corpses of children
proper markers for

ideas more pure and
more,therefore,transcendent.

2 Fireman and the Nation

FIREMAN1
Just the fellows over the drug store left. Boat’ll go right up to that bay window
over the doorway there.
FIREMAN2
Fuck 'em! Let ‘em drown! Two less faggots. What the hell are you doin?

FIREMAN1
Praying for you.

FIREMAN2
Get up goddamn you!
FIREMAN1
Not finished.

FIREMAN2
That's what you think!

LIEUTENANT
Hey! Two of my firefighters tussling on the worst day of the year! Hundred year flood out there!
Get ahold of yourselves! What the hell could...? People need us! Forget the personal. Uh, I'm too
old to break up fights. You'll both have to cooperate. Thank you!

FIREMAN2
He's praying for me and won't stop!

LIEUTENANT
Thought that was a good thing.

FIREMAN2
It's not! It's a lousy unfair fuckin thing!