Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Cultural Incident
When the Great Beauty
farts
isn’t much
to say.
Not Gross You
after all!
Sunday, November 26, 2017
Strike Three Medals
1 Ratch's new company could only
use him as a temp for a few years, but...
an implied promise of permanent
employment later, with great benefits,
kept him hooked.
Finally, he decided the latter course
a management lie.
That's when his brother-in-law
offered him a partnership!
Since nothing this man had
ever done prospered in any
remote way, Ratch figured
he'd lose ten percent of his
savings before retirement.
A sacrifice to his long-
suffering sister and
three squalid brats.
Well, lovely and delightful
children, of course!
Anyway, what makes a terrific
surprise?
Ratch retiring five years
later, only losing five percent!
The brother-in-law actually
on his feet, relatively
speaking.
He toasts the family all at his
final party, and, sardonically,
after their exit from.
With battle-scarred business
veterans at this...and the dive
bars ensuing .
Finally got to bed, laughing
and very drunk.
2 Lydia persisted with her
Bum of the Month Program.
Exaggeration, since she managed
to endure but two or three of
these toxic, prevaricating, emotional
miscreants a disastrous year.
For many-yyyyyy years! Oy!
She didn't wear out, but stayed
bright!
As shiny as the ass on a car salesman's
cheap pants.
Speaking of which--but the opposite
to the occupational stereotype:
Very Plain Joe-- brother Curt managed
to fix her up with.
Who nobody would ever think of marrying.
Lord!
She married him!
Great! Escape from the grimy foxholes
of the Single Wars.
Her great accomplishment before this
was, of course, tying up these harmful
men so they couldn't inflict their reflexive
lies on any other’s impressionable
sister for that particular time period.
And Steady Joe never lies.
Hey! One or two would defog the dullness, but...that’s life.
3 Laurel was willing to fight for the good in Mers, Oklahoma, but never could find it.
The new minister was helpful, but the board
asked him to leave when it was discovered
he had a boyfriend in nearby Hensler.
Laurel thought to move there also, as a way
of supporting him, but her mother developed
incurable gas.
Labels: Baseball, doing good, gas, loneliness, marriage, relationships, retirement, working conditions
Friday, September 02, 2016
International Class
Crop Duster in our cube farm.
-Large man, gaseous?
-Small woman, deadly.
-Does she pretend important missions?
-Nothing but! Moving briskly to save the company!
-And in her wake?
-The usual rotten eggs aroma, infused with aged garlic.
-Jesus!
-Plus a something dead. Small animal.
-Ugh!
-And not recently.
-Is this...ethnic woman? The garlic?
-American as vicious gossip!
-God help her husband!
-Third!
-Other two?
-Gagged to death!
-Can you take any preventative…?
-Surplus gas mask. Gulf War,
bottom drawer.
-But you can’t ...you’ll hurt her!
-We’re talking life or death here!
-Besides, she must walk...innocently also?
-Not the slight curl of lip then.
-Why are their warnings so subtle?
-Know that, know everything!
Labels: Crop Dusting, cube farm, gas, gas mask, Woman
Saturday, June 04, 2016
The Edge of the Moon
-So pretty! And yet what a tragic flaw!
-How would you characterize it?
-Gas!
-Gracious!
-She could really rip 'em. Industrial Strength!
Emptied rooms.
-How embarrassing for her! Sought medical...?
-Every Gastric Mavin from here to...!
-New Haven? Romance must have been a problem.
-You think? You'd think! But she met a guy
at a Gas-X display who hugely admired her.
Looked forward to a contest!
-Some sort of roughneck longshoreman or something?
-Librarian.
-Li-BRAR...!
-But, not a rival in the sound department, fortunately for the profession. Mostly SBD, him.
-Silent but Deadly! Even so, for decorum in the
hushed precincts...?
-But, the library in a new building with good
odor handling capacity. Though hardly perfect.
Occasionally the custodians did a sweep, believing some critter had crawled in and died.
-Did they marry? There couldn’t be rivals.
-Outdoor ceremony. Windswept. More than a few
passed out, even so. And they wrote some raucous metal cauterwailings into the proceedings, courtesy of Jan, John, and the Smashgods!
-Extraordinary!
-Was that! Is!
-How they getting on?
-Not bad! He still admires her greater gifts!
Two years have passed, no pun.
-Any blessed event?
-Oh yes! Pregnancy magnified her problems,
of course.
-I can imagine!
-Not really. No one could.
-At any rate...?
-Staff muscled a fan used in
mining into the Delivery Room.
-Enter Junior, or Jasmine?
-Junior. And already a virtuoso of rear
musicality.
-Someone should write an opera!
-He's on his way to that in performance!
-Christening?
-Father Mike chose the high school ballpark.
-Worried about Stations of the Cross disintegrating?
-How’d you guess?
Labels: fart jokes, gas, gasious marriage, gastric
Sunday, May 03, 2015
The Outsized Skills of Smaller Women
-Do you always leave rooms at propitious times?
-My escape clause.
-Your Linda really let one go!
-Goodness!
-Not a bit of that! Like a canon!
-Boom!
-But sustained also.
-You can’t have it both way.
-I got it all ways! Staggering!
-Get a grip!
-For such a small woman she...
-‘s my Magnificent Obsession!
Labels: fart, gas, small women, women
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Sure 'twould kill a man twice
after eating a slice.
Reference to one Miss
Fogarty's Christmas cake.
Here we label it fruitcake and
attempt numerous leaden jokes.
Suffice to say that mothers
will not let babies crawl un-
der a board groaning with one.
Laugh if you must, but only
a few fatalities have been
reported, most from ingestion
rather than weaponization. Too-
close call, though, for Toody Delgado
of Litz, Long Island. Doctors failing
with their arsenal of gas-whackers
and stomach pumps, he finally got on
the net, finding his condition mocked
one, astightus wombola, from
equatorial East Africa,
and the bloated
body was ultimately
transported by nautical buddies
to Bridgeport, Connecticut, thence
overland to Ansonia, where
a tropical med mavin had
inexplicably been deposited.
With a gallon of Pepto Bismol
and an Oreck Vacuum Cleaner
he effected a somewhat messy cure.
Fuzzy video eventually
made its way to Oprah,
where Delgado spoke
against industrial desserts.
after eating a slice.
Reference to one Miss
Fogarty's Christmas cake.
Here we label it fruitcake and
attempt numerous leaden jokes.
Suffice to say that mothers
will not let babies crawl un-
der a board groaning with one.
Laugh if you must, but only
a few fatalities have been
reported, most from ingestion
rather than weaponization. Too-
close call, though, for Toody Delgado
of Litz, Long Island. Doctors failing
with their arsenal of gas-whackers
and stomach pumps, he finally got on
the net, finding his condition mocked
one, astightus wombola, from
equatorial East Africa,
and the bloated
body was ultimately
transported by nautical buddies
to Bridgeport, Connecticut, thence
overland to Ansonia, where
a tropical med mavin had
inexplicably been deposited.
With a gallon of Pepto Bismol
and an Oreck Vacuum Cleaner
he effected a somewhat messy cure.
Fuzzy video eventually
made its way to Oprah,
where Delgado spoke
against industrial desserts.
