Tuesday, April 05, 2016
From a Family
Wasn’t beating myself up thoroughly enough,
so became standup comedian. Masochism
runs deep in my family.
Anyway, limited success. Emphasis on the limited.
So my agent wants to send me to Longshoremen
drunkfest.
“Are you sure? My stuff is uppy-urban-neurotic.
They won’t relate.”
“They’ll love it!”
Not quite. But nobody yelled “Sit down, Faggot!”
Other things, yes.
I tried my slowest fuse one. A Revolutionary Act!
Blank, blank, blank reactions. Walls! But not hostility
of the murderous variety.
THEN! A wave of laughter. This after four, five beats.
Knocked me back! The whole place bloomed and
brightened! And, gave me something to play with from
then on.
“Like that one, hey? And not a whiff of sexual
violence...which is more than I can say about
My weird Uncle Ralph. He...”
My buddies now. If I walked the docks they’d
run out with thermos bottles. Coffee laced
with...God knows!
Labels: chutzpah, comedian, hostile audience, longshoreman, masculinity, nerves, stage fright, standup
Thursday, November 26, 2015
The Comic
Dilsey put on some Franz Schubert.
“We used to call him Frank at the Point!” All Dave’s fatigued
jokes considered funny again, he had grown popular.
Now he exaggeratively saluted “Colonel Franz Schubert!”
Had to turn some invitations down: Health.
After Laurette died, his former wife came back to care
for him. In a paid capacity.
“It’s a pity I’ll expire when I just hit my groove!”
Franz hopped and skipped on the turntable.
“Isn’t everything?” Dilsey shook her head. “But it's nice you
still have LPs.” She chose The Beach Boys now.
Dave sang along with the line They keep their BOYfriends
warm at night!
“Weren’t YOU a California gal back when I met you, Dils?”
“Yeah, but was a territory then!”
“Whoa! I'm the funny one!”
“We both are.”
Labels: Beach Boys, California, California Girls, comedian, Health, marriage, Schubert, sickness, West Point
Tuesday, April 07, 2015
Me’s On Scene
-Why the long face?
-Went out with my personas last night.
-But your reputation is one central person. Admirable!
-That’s baloney! I’m dealing with a whole bunch
of me’s.
-How can you stand it?
-I can’t! Told them all to get the fuck out!
-And...?
-Pretty much successful, but The Comedian was
sucking around at breakfast.
-Did you give him some toast?
-Give ‘im nothing! He’ll eat the whole freakin world!
Labels: comedian, fragmented, multiple personalities, persona, personality, schizo, selves
Saturday, February 07, 2015
The Rare Comedians of Rapid Falls
-The dentist drilled for decay as I said.
Down deep in my head!
-You usually speak in deathless prose.
But, exquisite poetry?
-A mere bagatelle.
-But, there’s a fly in your universal Jello.
-Howso?
-Wouldn’t GET decay if you brushed and flossed
assiduously.
-I’m as big an assiduous as the next guy!
-And you take days off from the process to inhale hangover fumes.
-Not many!
-Okay, so you’re a top-flight brusher and flosser, really!
The Lady Dentists will feature you at their convention.
In a brilliant glass case. Revolving.
-Me or the case?
-Both, in opposite directions.
-Christ! Vertigo!
-That’s for another kind of convention. Or film.
-And when they turn the lights out, do I hafta stay
in the case?
-Nein! They have their will of you then!
-Jesus! Can one get Viagra over the counter?
-Never you! The community must be protected.
-Be quiet while I’m practicing revolving.
-Fine! I’m making out the card for your display.
-Master Flosser?
-Asshole.
-All great men get hurt. But...should I wave? Thusly?
-Like the Pope saying “Get those fuckin peasants
off the grass!”
-No! More modesty-honesty. See? I can fake that best.
-People will little remember what we say here.
-That’s because they got sense.
Labels: brush, comedian, comedy, convention, dentist, floss, poetry, Pope, prose, Viagra
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Wuzawoowuz!
“I sold rights to it to Charlie Hokk. He put it on T-Shirts, mugs,
the whole smear!
Would you believe that then I had to pay him a thousand each
time I said it in the act? And it was once my trademark phrase!
I tried others, of course, but came back to it. Adoring public!
So, I made a mistake. And the million he paid me was all pissed
away anyhow. C’est la...whatever. Win some, lose some. Others
called off due to Acid Rain! Hey! Wuzawoowuz!-–can say it cuz
it cost me nothing in private conversation.
How did I become a comedian?
Everybody laughed at me growing up! Got to like the sound.
That’s AT me, not with me?
So what? Who gives a shit? You wear yourself out worrying
about crap like that.
Wuzawoowuz!
Can I put it on my tombstone? Well, that’s advertising medium too!
Maybe he’ll relent to acknowledge the public’s love of me.
Yeah, love. Don’t act so shocked!”
Labels: comedian, comedy, laughing, saying
