Saturday, November 24, 2018
The Rural Wit
so quick in skewer-
ing women n’all
other spicks! Though
Global Warmists
horse-laughed each
and every freezing day!--
getting them even hotter.
Yo! Lots of cases
everywhere must
show us how
our Rural Wit is just
The Cat’s Meow!
Labels: country humor, country vs city, ethnic, Global Warming, rural, satire, wit, women
Friday, June 30, 2017
His life had been
The Appalachia
of Desire.
of Desire.
Everything wore out
but crazy love,
which wheezed,
lacking calories.
He switched rotgut
for opioid, burning
into, thereby,
Paradise!
The lovely mountains
and valleys spurned
for their inertia.
Labels: alcohol, drugs, hillbilly, opiod, rural
Thursday, April 06, 2017
At the Call Center
When Jensy actually went to work at the Call Center,
she discovered that the most sophisticated robot
had handled calls to her previously, when she had been
a mere random prospect, because she was labeled TSS.
Totally Sloppy Speaker.
That hurt, and she sought out Dr Kildad Morrisey
for enunciation lessons.
He helped her, and she eventually received a small
promotion to Rural Targets.
But, one evening she encountered an Enunciation
Emergency! Reached him on his cell at the Lakers
Game, where he drunkenly labeled her a stupid
hillbilly!
She flew into the embrace of old Dixon at the
Akimbo Arms Tavern.
“Why do they hurt and hurt and hurt?” he asks.
“They say it’s to make us better.”
“Bullshit! It’s for their own vile sickness!”
Labels: 800 number, Call Center, class, education, pronunciation, rural
Sunday, June 26, 2016
He was a Rusky or Alien, or whatever he was
but just into the outbuilding her deceased mother
had long ago stored 50s movie magazines in.
They mostly burnt up--no great loss. The garden hose
enough to put the rest, and him, out.
She’s strong, you know, and carried this smoky one to the
other outbuilding with all its wood, and equipment unused
since her daddy left this orbit.
That’s a joke! My husband says I can’t make 'em.
Anyway, by some miracle, his burns not that serious,
believe it or not, and she was nurse’s assistant before
the lumber mill left.
Since the one part of him amazed her, she wasn’t about
to let him go!
Before you say folks’d find out, and the government, well
Harkey’s Knob the absolute loneliest part of this county.
Of course you’d notice the new fellow around when
driving by, but we mind our own business.
After a couple years, he taught the Cedar Crest United
Bible Sunday School. Started using her father’s
woodworking shop too.
They married around in there, he’s Mr Thomas from Cincinnati.
Uh huh? If Cincinnati about a million light fears away!
Well, they did just fine anyways.
But...every ointment gets a fly. Hers was a tumor
like a bowling ball.
So, left us.
He didn’t miss a beat, marrying the bookkeeper
at the hospital.
She has persuaded him to leave his body to science,
though he says with a straight face that he’ll never die.
Good thing. In a hundred years or so, he’ll get to see
the furniture he makes, on Antique Road Show!
Labels: alien, furniture making, rural, rural humor, Russian, Space
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Presence
Just before Delilah repaired to her little alcove for
The Late Show, she inexplicably opened up about
her former mother-in-law.
The astringencies delivered to a young bride from
a polite mask!
Clint said he'd pray about it.
“You can't have Faith for another person!”
Turning his back, he sunk to his knees, bedside:
"Called Love."
The next month they decided to sell off the retail
operations, concentrate on mail order and net.
Lorna worked in the original farm store, mid the
framed photo of son Hap, Delilah’s first husband,
lounging on the catsup Harley he killed himself with.
The new owners loved her sweet way with customers.
Named her The Tradition.
Labels: bride, business, faith, farm, farm store, Harley, mail order, mother-in-law, net, Prayer, rural, second marriage, tradition, widow
Saturday, October 04, 2014
Important to modern parables
that “Doctors amazed!”
Thus, flaming assholes
cured in faithful
Ozarks. Not so
much in lurching
cities where sin
greases to each
unchurched.
(Unconned?)
And wit is all
they have
to go on.
Labels: cure, faith, religion, rural, unchurched, urban
Saturday, August 09, 2014
Hick Tragedy
As Related By Rural Comedians
-(sings) They got married in a fever.
-And it done never burnt out.
-As a result, skin and bones, both.
-What’s loudest sound in world?
-Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
-They don’t got the roof.
-Or much else.
Labels: married in fever, rural, rural humor, rural sex
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Country
-You're finished with your tramps then?
-More like they finished me.
-Now you show up here!
-Not a one could find that spot on my neck you massage.
-Never mind that! There are spots and there are spots.
-Don't we know it!
-Stop this stuff! Not a prayer for you here. Not anymore!
-My crap is in the car.
-Well, leave it there.
-Been sleeping in it.
-Where's that old violin Grandpa played? God rest his soul.
Well, go back and play a solo for your whores.
-You talk like a hard woman, but I know better.
-The last time was the last time. I...
-Don’t cry. That hurts more than anything.
-Let me relieve the pain. And don’t let the door
hit you in the ass!
-Don't think I got much of a one left.
-I know. Nobody can cook out there either. Just fuck!
-Not that either. I just...went crazy.
-Uh huh. Well...
-My junk is in the car.
-That's where I came in.
-When I came in, was the prettiest girl...
-And look at me now!
-Can't stop.
-You're finished with your tramps then?
-More like they finished me.
-Now you show up here!
-Not a one could find that spot on my neck you massage.
-Never mind that! There are spots and there are spots.
-Don't we know it!
-Stop this stuff! Not a prayer for you here. Not anymore!
-My crap is in the car.
-Well, leave it there.
-Been sleeping in it.
-Where's that old violin Grandpa played? God rest his soul.
Well, go back and play a solo for your whores.
-You talk like a hard woman, but I know better.
-The last time was the last time. I...
-Don’t cry. That hurts more than anything.
-Let me relieve the pain. And don’t let the door
hit you in the ass!
-Don't think I got much of a one left.
-I know. Nobody can cook out there either. Just fuck!
-Not that either. I just...went crazy.
-Uh huh. Well...
-My junk is in the car.
-That's where I came in.
-When I came in, was the prettiest girl...
-And look at me now!
-Can't stop.
Labels: country, country music, infidelity, marital, rural
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Rural Wit, Thus Short
-My one soap opera stopped with the Republicans gloating.
-Like drunks. Bible says that if...
-Then old ducks come on there and tell you why.
-Ain't no mystery. Unemployment! Why look at that guy
down at the bridge. Out a year or so from sawmill.
-Only one not the family there. By the way, he's selling that
little red car he got.
-That thing? Useless crap! By the time you reach decent road,
whole ass end be tored out!
-Well, he’s selling it.
-Wonder what that perky wife'd fetch?
-Never mind all that! And wondering what I'd...!
-Why you're as pure gold to me, as the Bible says.
-It don't say that. You're full of it like always.
-Well, something like.
-I know what you'd fetch. Nothing!
-You was always a harsh woman! Why the chemicals in me
worth five bucks!
-They’s all played out!
Labels: Afghan election, Democrat;, gloating, Republican, rural
