Friday, May 27, 2016
“Count Meshugana”
It was discovered early on that
giving him responsibility was
inviting incoherent disaster!
As a result he was promoted again
and again.
To a position the company felt
confident that he'd delegate
just about everything from.
As a result, his department received
several awards.
When one cut through the CEO's King's-
English blather, could fathom they were for
screwing up less than the other departments.
Did I say that he was warm and loving
and approachable? Beautiful manners!
In contrast to the others in his executive,
soaring plateau.
Bastards and Bitches...enough said.
Anyway, hired away by Honda. He bowed
quite well too.
Labels: CEO, company, hire, Honda, incompetence, mix-up, Peter Principle, SNAFU
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
No Man Is An Island?
The Wave
Ernst could take it no longer!
Wages cut in half and all vacation
time cancelled.
Time to speak out! He was a bit
of a parliamentarian, and found
the obscure provision in the
Employee Handbook that enabled
a single worker to call a meeting.
Couldn’t leave anything to chance,
of course, so phoned all he could
to get promises of support, and
hear the individual grievances he
could get expressed at the right
moment.
The Board sent the CEO, first occasion
he was actually caught working.
Ernst rose, and swayed, and began speaking.
The whole surrounding audience seemed
to leap chromatically.
But he calmed down to deliver his prepared
remarks, mostly to the effect that too
many rights had been viciously stripped!
There were places where he invited other
comments. There were none.
“So it seems,” CEO laughed, alone on the stage,
“that we have a Revolution of One!”
The audience around Ernst joined the laughter
as if their life depended on it.
Then abruptly stopped as the CEO hissed:
“And in this time of serverest danger to
The Nation!”
Ernst’s test then was not to look ashamed.
Not a hint! as he finished strongly to
vast, vast silence. Can silence groan?
When he was alone in his cubicle, with
just the guard helping him gather his
things, individuals dropped by to tell him
why they couldn’t risk...etc etc.
Only Broadwell told the truth. “I didn’t help
because I'm a coward. I watched that
squealing little pisser berate you and
did nothing!”
The guard informed the crying man: “Enough!”
One woman allowed in, and she imparted
that all the women thought of it as just
another male folly.
Ernst went to his car escorted by the
guard carrying the box.
A bicycle stood there, a long legal notice
taped thereon.
The guard helped him secure the box to the
handlebars with the tape, and Ernst shoved
the notice down his shirt.
The bike proved to have an eccentric front
wheel, delighting everyone in the town
who saw him. Most waved.
Labels: Capitalism, CEO, employee meeting, firing, rebellion, stacked deck, vacation, wages, workers' rights, workplace
Saturday, June 06, 2015
In and Out
Our whole company involved The Box. You stayed
locked in, or burst out.
That is you did things traditional, Steady-Eddie, or
you innovated.
Most of us stuck with good ole Eddie.
The innovators could get wild! A crazy bunch.
The whole business proved workable for most
companies, but ours, finally, got stuck.
At first, this handled by everybody going into
the community one day a week. But, such action
turned out wretchedly since the community
harbored hatred, but didn't have a way to fully
express it until now.
In the Board Emergency Meeting, Dr Renslow
shouted "What we need is The Man on Horseback!"
Thus we got Carlos...then a string of ten names.
Cadiz royalty of sorts, and Olympic Equestrian.
We pasted to HQ windows the day he rode in, accoutered
in silver, on his pale horse.
Well, he was interested in only half the work force,
the women.
A big scandal followed many petty ones, and out he
galloped, an embracing female assistant in back of him.
Nude. Yes, that’s what I said.
New CEO, Rhodine Dirks, aka The Ax Woman!
She went so far with it, she fired herself!
This much chaos, the Master of All Chaos had
to step in: The Government!
So we really work for Uncle now! And are
therefore subject to the scathings of
Congressional Committees.
The Republicans praise the box dwellers:
rock-ribbed, American Values, etc.
They damn the burster-outers as Socialists,
responsible for the ills of the company and
the world.
The Democrats came in and put through an
anti-hierarchy bill. Now we have no positions
of authority. But, no, we don't call each other
Comrade!
The Next Chapter? Well, there can't be one, really.
Just been named a Department. And now a cabinet
seat for the former Sad Randolph, The Totally
Defunct and Ragged Cowboy Clown.
He’ll be the best cabinet officer ever, no contest!
Labels: Cabinet, CEO, Democrat, employee, firing, government takeover, innovation, Man On Horseback, organization, reorganization, Republican
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Forgiveness For Common Sins
The Japanese Do Corporate
Apology. Tears in shrink-
ing humiliation.
Our CEO tosses it off,
face on Empty. Acting
coach inquired of,
but needs a center
to resonate with:
Board had picked chief
since he possessed none.
Each member serves on
various boards hiring newer
moralists. Multiplier effect,
like delusion
or theft.
Labels: apology, CEO, corporate governance, delusion, Japanese, theft
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Litanies Gather
Rooms Have Power
Makes no difference
their size.
Big meeting takes place
once in medium,
and he is terrorized
on the stairs by
CEO fleeing,
and moans inside,
finally "darting howls."
He did spare in his art time.
Labels: business, business cliches, CEO, meeting, room, terror
Friday, March 07, 2014
Vision Thing
The Company
-We lacked vision.
-That word again?
-Just putting out fires and keeping our heads above water and...
-...add your own cliche. Then send it up the flagpole!
-So they sent in a Visionary!
-Serious as a heat attack! And he, of course, proceeded to fuck
everything up completely!
-We finally got his ass fired! And now we’re putting out the
multitudinous fires HE ignited!
-Fifth time through same cycle for me. Time to retire.
-Why is the new thing always an old thing?
-Ask God.
-Why him? He’s always screwing us up with his own brand of vision.
-You’ll burn in hell!
-Oh? Excuse me! Thought that’s what this was.
Labels: CEO, chaos, Hell, putting out fires, reorganization, vision
Monday, February 03, 2014
The Place of Hispanics
in The Happy Shop
-I wanna hire him. Lotza promise!
-But that accent! I mean we got clients who’d say “Don’t
have that spick call me again!”
-Accent will fade. I really think we have future CEO material
with him. Get by the accent, and he’s the most impressive
candidate we’ve had in a good while.
-Please let It go! Practically the whole interviewing committee
got up and did a kind of flamenco when he left! Even Laurette
clenched a pencil with a plastic daisy on the end between
her teeth, and stomped about like a fiery, fallen woman!
And with Jiggers and Itsy fashioning castanets of sorts from
staplers. Hilarious with those fatsos! Itsy has to be restrained
from taking off his shirt! Well, effort not quite successful.
He unbuttons it, and a cascade of pink bellies! I’m crying by then!
So, you can see, be too embarrassing if this José Gonzalez
comes on board!
-That’s not his name.
-Generic.
Labels: CEO, dance, flamenco, hiring, Hispanic, HR
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Buying Benefits
CEO and Doctor
-For years you told me I had to move this bloat around
or die.
-Not any more. A surrogate can do it, and we extract the
benefits to inject into you twice weekly.
-Who and what?
-Young Jenkins, runs ten miles thrice weekly and fifteen hard
ones on the weekend.
-Whew! How long can...?
-He'll be able to do three years and then into rehab.
-Really wastes him? The treatment?
-Does it!
-Well it's a far far better thing he does...
-Uh huh? Then we'll be off to another Jenkins.
-They're rewarded, of course.
-Within limits.
Labels: benefits, benefits of exercise, CEO, exercise, proxy, rich
Friday, November 22, 2013
The Sad Art of Being a Yes Man
CEO
“I don't want individuals who are right! Or wrong.
Both in embroidered shirts.
That's cats and dogs!
Only the team has to be right. Japanese understand this.
How about me? I'm always right!
Joking, but I'm my only critic mid the deafening
ass-kissing.”
Labels: CEO, Japanese, management, team, yes man
Monday, August 12, 2013
The Wages of Capital iz less for u; of Sin, not so bad
The Very Partial Picture
-Wow! You coming to HR! Like the Enterprise docking
at Bridgeport.
-I’m interested in how the Big Hiring is going.
-Swimmingly! But just started.
-Pay scales?
-Same for past five years. Some pressure to
nudge them up. Competition.
-Cut them across the board. Thirty percent.
-We’ll lose some...!
-In this desperate climate? Doubt it. As to present
employees, write a letter asking them to swallow
fifteen percent. If they don’t, we throw all healthcare
to Uncle Obama.
-I feel shell-shocked! I thought profits were zooming.
-That’s only a partial picture.
-Jesus! Blood, sweat, and tears.
-Do me a favor? Follow my instructions, and leave the
violin in the fuckin closet. Okay? Like a good boy.
Labels: CEO, hiring, Human Resources, pay cuts
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Getting It Done
ASSISTANT
Our lead negotiator on Helkin doing a crackerjack job...
CEO
I'll need details.
ASST
and despite...
CEO
Despite what?
ASST
Well, a horrendous divorce proceeding has him reeling emotionally.
CEO
Emotionally means every which way.
ASST
Not so with him. He can separate.
CEO
My source there tells me Old Man Helkin flying in.
They smell blood in the water. So I'll be taking over.
ASST
And our guy?
CEO
Back to his department with faint gratitude.
ASST
There’s a problem. HR slid a new guy into his slot--
negotiations were slated to go on for so long and...
CEO
He has no job? Fire him.
ASST
Boss! Excuse me, but that's so cold!
CEO
Not tiddlywinks we play here.
ASSISTANT
Our lead negotiator on Helkin doing a crackerjack job...
CEO
I'll need details.
ASST
and despite...
CEO
Despite what?
ASST
Well, a horrendous divorce proceeding has him reeling emotionally.
CEO
Emotionally means every which way.
ASST
Not so with him. He can separate.
CEO
My source there tells me Old Man Helkin flying in.
They smell blood in the water. So I'll be taking over.
ASST
And our guy?
CEO
Back to his department with faint gratitude.
ASST
There’s a problem. HR slid a new guy into his slot--
negotiations were slated to go on for so long and...
CEO
He has no job? Fire him.
ASST
Boss! Excuse me, but that's so cold!
CEO
Not tiddlywinks we play here.
Labels: CEO, Negotiation
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Usual Sedition
-I'm bypassing bonus committee and declaring double last year’s
amounts. Alleviate morale problem before government takeover.
-But! If it gets out...
-I'll be out before that.
-CEO ever been lynched?
-Nah! That'd be for just deserts. I'm talking unjust deserts.
-Chief, your wit shines through the shit-storm!
-I'm bypassing bonus committee and declaring double last year’s
amounts. Alleviate morale problem before government takeover.
-But! If it gets out...
-I'll be out before that.
-CEO ever been lynched?
-Nah! That'd be for just deserts. I'm talking unjust deserts.
-Chief, your wit shines through the shit-storm!
Labels: bailout, bailout sedition, bonuses, CEO
